fighting busy

i feel busy. i know i'm less busy than i was more than a month ago (when i was taking the dutch class). then it was a matter of just doing one thing after another, with the main choices being what thing to do first, how much sleep to get, and/or how well to do something. and always there was a feeling of not having enough time, always thinking about what had to be done next. trying to keep sundays free of things that needed to be done helped somewhat, but being busy was still the dominant feeling overall.

and it's not that sort of rushing now. but i still often feel overwhelmed about what all has to be done and will i have time and energy for it. and i have questions about whether i'm using my time well - and not wasting the (extra) time that i now have. and even if i know that too busy is unhealthy, i'm a bit disappointed that i'm not being so good productive.

i feel like i'm fighting busy. fighting against feeling overwhelmed or anxious or rushed. fighting against finding my worth in what i do. i feels like i'm surrounded with the idea that the more i do, the better: answering "how are you?" with busy is often seen as an accomplishment, not something to be questioned. and the better Christians are usually seen as the ones who do the most for the church/others. and i have a sense that if i can do it, i should do it. but the question shouldn't be whether i can do it. it's about whether my doing it is really the best for me. and whether or not it really needs doing. and whether someone else should be allowed to do it. hard, eh? it's so much easier to receive the unspoken praise found in saying, "sure i'll do it" - and then pushing to do it and feeling proud of myself for my accomplishments, trying to hide the fact that i've become stressed and hurried - and that the things i have to do have become more important than having time and attention for those around me.

but i also don't want to be too careful with my time, guarding my time for myself because i'm scared that i'm doing something for the wrong reason. or that i'll become overwhelmed or stressed. in this way, my doing could still be a problem - i still wouldn't have time to delight in and/or share with others. nor would i have the freedom to stop and/or participate in things that i know will bring me joy.

uggh. do you see why it's so much easier just to be busy busy busy? and not have the time or energy to wonder about fighting busy? or what about really is good? or about re-learning how i see doing, so that it's not so much about how much i do but how i do?

for further thoughts on time and busyness, see a recent article from InterVarsity/Urbana.