differences and becoming closer

i recently went on retreat with Spe Gedauntes, the inner circle of Oudezijds 100. and it was good to be together, to get to know each other better and to get to talk more about our perspectives of the community.

as a tochtgenoot (companion) in Oudezijds 100, i am a little bit a part of the inner circle of Oudezijds 100. i have more responsibilities here and more understanding of what goes on, but i am also closed off from many of the responsibilities and decisions over how things should be here. and that fits with how i have made a temporary, limited commitment to Oudezijds 100 but have not made a long-term commitment to community living and working for the good of this community. but it still feels strange to be somewhat a part of and yet not part of Spe Gedauntes.

it is hard to know one's place and where one fits when one's place is somewhat flexible. at times, i question how much i should push to become more a part of carrying the responsibilities or concerns. i sometimes feel that my voice and gifts are not being heard or being used - and i could help! when i feel that i am being closed off from the inner circle, i see it as people being against me without also seeing that in some ways i am not qualified or called to carry the responsibilities, and that this being closed off can be a gift - to have time and energy for other things (like learning dutch) and other ways of serving (like developing relationships and/or doing Bible studies). a blog entry in august mentions already my struggle with this.

and i think being different makes it easier to feel closed out. for me, culture and language differences make it so that i don't always feel a part of things. and even though i know people are willing to help me (and do reach out to see if a translation would be helpful), i still feel a bit out of things. i'm not the same as everyone there - and thus i sometimes feel like i don't really belong. but then i am forgetting that "everyone" is hardly the same. my perspective gets all out of whack. and i forget to laugh about how we all don't really fit. we all have different personalities and backgrounds and experiences and sense of boundaries and understanding of how things should be. if we were all the same, how would that really be a community?

i saw in the weekend how i myself sometimes closed myself off as did others - with the hope, i think, of being able to participate more fully and get a better perspective. but how much is healthy to close myself off - when does my absence and lack of participation affect (negatively) the whole group?

the year theme is "closer." and i feel that i am becoming closer to the others here - and learning more and more the challenges involved in a community where people are different and yet still a close community. the best part, though, is that we get to walk together in these challenges - and i think that's what i was most thankful for in the retreat - being able to walk alongside Spe Gedauntes, sometimes beside her/them and sometimes in the midst.