ending on a messy note

during my final year of university, i was a participant on the university's disciplinary committee. it wasn't entirely my choice, but as it hardly ever met, i never thought it would be a problem. turns out, in my last month of school, the discipline committee met three times. we kicked a student or two out of student housing and actually expelled a student from school. and i sat through too many conversations where accusations happened, where we tried to determine to what extent the parties were guilty, whether punishment fit the actions, and where the accused felt injustly treated. i even ended up being yelled at and accused (injustly). it was ugly and messy, and it coloured my leaving the school. what had been a great experience (i loved university!) had become something i couldn't wait to have done with.

fortunately, i spent the summer working as a research assistant in the math department for a great prof. i earned good money, was encouraged to do research well, learned of the value (and my joy) in working together and sharing ideas with other people, and there's an article published from the work done that summer. i also discovered that i wasn't interested in doing math as much as i was in doing ministry stuff, which was also a blessing – and something i was encouraged to look at closely by my supervisor (whom i still try to visit every once in awhile).

and time, of course, has helped fade the memories of the messiness of my last month at university.

i'm hoping for the same with my memories and feelings towards teaching this past six months. that once the grading has finished, i've hung out with friends and family awhile, i've returned to Amsterdam, and time has passed some of the messiness will fade.

the amount of grading i've done, the absence from the community in Amsterdam, and a number of other experiences in teaching have left me feeling like the ending is messy. i have even wondered about whether i really should be teaching and whether i really fit into the CRC. in the past six months, i have prepared hours upon hours of class time, i have graded thousands of kilobytes of material (much of it goes through my computer), i have dealt with and reported cheating to the academic dean, i have discovered that i have changed enough in Amsterdam that i am now coming from a different cultural perspective (and how hard that is to deal with), i have pushed students to hand in enough work (and of a certain quality) so that they can get a decent grade or at least pass (a difficulty with half-completed work), i have dealt with demands from students, including for accomodation i did not need to give (and then was given demands on it), i have discovered that students are often more interested in information and the right answers than in questioning and being challenged; yet, i have also discovered many students don't listen and are unaware of this being a significant problem. and all of that together can overwhelm the joy i have in looking at the biblical text and the gracious words of thanks i received from a number of different sources.

i have discovered that no matter how hard i try or what i do, that it will never be good enough. and perhaps that is what is hard – and maybe i should just stop caring :) but in not caring or by being overwhelmed by everything, i cannot challenge or give my best to others, something i feel called to – and hope to do :) and so i'm going back to my ordinary life; and back to research – with a reminder that no matter how hard i try, i can't be good enough (and i, too, need grace just as i ought to show grace).

but there is still good work on Jeremiah that i have to read. and a thesis on Jeremiah's prophetic task that i've never finished (and now have more material for). and i have memories of students who tried hard, who really wanted to learn, and who expressed their appreciation well. memories of students who still are fascinated by what they learned in class. i'm hoping that the messiness fades in the midst of these better memories. and as i do my best to form the endings that remind me of the joy involved in sharing God's word.