teaching has been my excuse for not posting

i've been teaching for 2.5 weeks already. next week tuesday is the final exam already - and after a flurry of grading, i should be done. and i'd pretty much say that's my excuse for not blogging more.

and i have thoughts from teaching - the random things i've learned, things i've used in class, questions about how to do this teaching thing better, and how i can not help but feel honoured to be allowed to be part of students lives in this way. but they haven't appeared anywhere yet. i am still sorting out how to say them and trying to find for everything. this january course is intense enough if all you're doing is teaching. the problem is if you're trying to do anything else alongside (like research or visiting or trying to develop new course ideas), it's really hard both to keep on top of things and not to be exhausted all the time.

and at the moment i'm behind on my grading (i'm hoping and praying that tomorrow i'll get some good work done there) - but other than that it's been going really well. i'll gladly admit that i'm glad not to see my students tomorrow - but that's nothing personal :) after all, i do think they're a good group of students - and i do generally enjoy teaching. only it'll be really nice not to have to wake up at 6 and spend 3 hours in front of a class trying to pay attention to as many things as possible, most notably evaluating how things are going and how much comprehension is taking place.

teaching again

i am scheduled to teach during interim at Calvin College this coming january. it will be the third time i'm teaching DCM. the class is an introduction to the Reformed faith alongside a topic of my choice. i have chosen the topic of hermeneutics: looking at how we interpret the message and more specifically how the presentation of the message and how our backgrounds, personalities, and situations all affect our understanding of the message. i'll draw on my own experiences and thinking and cover a variety of aspects - like teaching and learning, sociology, biblical stuff and faith, cross-culture experiences, technology, statistics, marketing, and so on. i'm also drawing on the previous topics i've done - 1) postmodernism - as it focuses so much on the presentation of the message and how truth is different for each of us - and 2) community - as this is one of the most significant aspects of my life now - and i've discovered that this is one of things one has to experience to understand, so i'm looking forward to challenging the class with how one can present and understand the "message" of community. that, and the book related i've found related to community (Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution) makes a good secondary class textbook.

i've picked up the required text again and started jotting down more ideas of what to do in the text - and i am on the lookout for ideas amongst the things i now read. and i've been generally enjoying that, although since i bumped into some of the difficulties of teaching last time i was around Calvin (especially with how i felt that there were problems in the presentation and understanding of the message i had wanted the students to learn), i'm a bit more nervous and cautious towards teaching again. [this cautious part can be seen in that, although i've known for a couple of months that i'd be teaching, i'm only now mentioning it here.

and yet i was reminded again that as much as i'm feeling a bit cautious about all of this, i am very much looking forward to teaching. while my sister was visiting we talked about the class and we talked a bit about how marketing presents a certain message (she has a degree in marketing and works in marketing for RIM, the blackberry company - she's definitely my expert when it comes to this). and when we'd been talking a bit, she asked me if i realized that i was talking really loud all of a sudden. i hadn't realized it - and felt rather surprised and embarassed. but then she said, it just means that you must be really excited about this. and i thought, yeah, she's right. deep down i am really excited about teaching again - and even if i can't be certain that a certain class will be great or that the message will be understood well, i really do love teaching - and i am really looking forward to bouncing around ideas with students and challenging them and trying out new ways of teaching.

brushes with teaching

i've been taking a break from teaching in the last while. and yet, in the last couple of weeks, the following are the different sorts of brushes with teaching that i've had:

- getting to teaching a 2.5 hour seminar introducing the Old Testament prophets to young adults doing ministry locally [it was really great to be able to share my fascination and wonder of the prophets with others].

- having a former student (from the Calvin Interim class last January) stop by to see the community while he was in Amsterdam. i could see on his face that he recognized how special this community here is.

- having a former student (from my time teaching English as a second language in Ukraine 8 years ago) send me an email about whether i'd be willing to correspond with him to help his english. after telling him that i would, i haven't heard anything further but i am honoured that he still had my email and was willing to ask me after all this time.

- being given a helper for many of the last weeks of my community reception duties. and although i sometimes i find it a bit of an interruption to my own (sometimes haphazard) way of doing things, i have also been thankful to be able to share what i do know - not only with reception tasks but also my understanding of the community and those who come in to visit us.

- leading Bible study here in the community. and it's been enjoyable just to spend some low-key time looking at the Bible and faith and how this relates to our lives.

- spending lots of time talking with someone in the midst of teacher's college. it's great to get to share the discovery of how best to share information and the joy of helping others learn new things.

these brushes with teaching help me to recognize i can't (and actually don't even want to) completely remove teaching from my life. it's part of what i love to do - the love of sharing what i know and being able to walk with others as they learn. and i am once again starting to dream about teaching on a more official basis.

ending on a messy note

during my final year of university, i was a participant on the university's disciplinary committee. it wasn't entirely my choice, but as it hardly ever met, i never thought it would be a problem. turns out, in my last month of school, the discipline committee met three times. we kicked a student or two out of student housing and actually expelled a student from school. and i sat through too many conversations where accusations happened, where we tried to determine to what extent the parties were guilty, whether punishment fit the actions, and where the accused felt injustly treated. i even ended up being yelled at and accused (injustly). it was ugly and messy, and it coloured my leaving the school. what had been a great experience (i loved university!) had become something i couldn't wait to have done with.

fortunately, i spent the summer working as a research assistant in the math department for a great prof. i earned good money, was encouraged to do research well, learned of the value (and my joy) in working together and sharing ideas with other people, and there's an article published from the work done that summer. i also discovered that i wasn't interested in doing math as much as i was in doing ministry stuff, which was also a blessing – and something i was encouraged to look at closely by my supervisor (whom i still try to visit every once in awhile).

and time, of course, has helped fade the memories of the messiness of my last month at university.

i'm hoping for the same with my memories and feelings towards teaching this past six months. that once the grading has finished, i've hung out with friends and family awhile, i've returned to Amsterdam, and time has passed some of the messiness will fade.

the amount of grading i've done, the absence from the community in Amsterdam, and a number of other experiences in teaching have left me feeling like the ending is messy. i have even wondered about whether i really should be teaching and whether i really fit into the CRC. in the past six months, i have prepared hours upon hours of class time, i have graded thousands of kilobytes of material (much of it goes through my computer), i have dealt with and reported cheating to the academic dean, i have discovered that i have changed enough in Amsterdam that i am now coming from a different cultural perspective (and how hard that is to deal with), i have pushed students to hand in enough work (and of a certain quality) so that they can get a decent grade or at least pass (a difficulty with half-completed work), i have dealt with demands from students, including for accomodation i did not need to give (and then was given demands on it), i have discovered that students are often more interested in information and the right answers than in questioning and being challenged; yet, i have also discovered many students don't listen and are unaware of this being a significant problem. and all of that together can overwhelm the joy i have in looking at the biblical text and the gracious words of thanks i received from a number of different sources.

i have discovered that no matter how hard i try or what i do, that it will never be good enough. and perhaps that is what is hard – and maybe i should just stop caring :) but in not caring or by being overwhelmed by everything, i cannot challenge or give my best to others, something i feel called to – and hope to do :) and so i'm going back to my ordinary life; and back to research – with a reminder that no matter how hard i try, i can't be good enough (and i, too, need grace just as i ought to show grace).

but there is still good work on Jeremiah that i have to read. and a thesis on Jeremiah's prophetic task that i've never finished (and now have more material for). and i have memories of students who tried hard, who really wanted to learn, and who expressed their appreciation well. memories of students who still are fascinated by what they learned in class. i'm hoping that the messiness fades in the midst of these better memories. and as i do my best to form the endings that remind me of the joy involved in sharing God's word.

what teachers hope for

part of the reason that i teach is because i love what i teach - and i want to share that love and delight and joy with others. and i hope that they grow to (at least) appreciate what i love (and that i can share that love well). and that they would continue to want to learn and hear about the things i'm sharing.

the textbook for the class i had in january was The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. Shane came to Calvin this past week, and one of my former students let me know that she went and saw everyone from the class there. and when i heard that, i couldn't help but be delighted - for they wanted to keep learning and hearing after the class.

so how's teaching been?

teaching at the Seminary has been going well. i feel like i generally have enough time to prepare, am not behind on my grading (though not super fast either), and things are going well in the classroom. classes have been fairly well organized, i have been able to bring up issues of relevance and answer students' questions, and student participation has been really good. i've been disappointed a bit by a class here and there, but i think that's only because i'm trying to put too much into too little time. but that's not that the class isn't good - perhaps the classes with too much info have a bit of a hectic and disorganized feel to them, but that doesn't imply that it isn't good. the problem is that i want great all the time, so i get disappointed. it helps me to laugh at how unrealistic i am being - and remember the good moments.

and so i will give some of the good moments of the week.
- we discussed how the text might make a difference in people's lives during the Jeremiah class. Jeremiah tends to be a bit of a depressing book (a lot of it is made up of Jeremiah talking or showing how deserving of punishment the people of Judah are). The hope, joy, and peace found in the book are mainly the promise of God's presence, which doesn't exactly compare to the super joy and happiness and blessing that much of western culture (and even some forms of Christianity!) argues that we deserve. and yet when people are suffering and life is difficult, the kind of hope, peace, and joy found in Jeremiah are more honest and more comforting.
- we spent time wondering how we can talk about the creation story in a way that makes sense to people, is sensitive to the culture of when it was first heard (which had a different understanding of the universe (a lot more focused on the role of the supernatural) and the people focused more on the purpose of things than the actual material things themselves), and takes the pressure off a need to debate creation vs. evolution. if you look at the stuff repeated in Gen 1 (God's name is repeated 32 times in 31 verses - and is usually followed by an action verb. God's actions are followed by the phrases "it was so, and it was good") and the stuff that is different from the normal pattern (humans being very good, the evening and morning not repeated on the seventh day - which points us to something very important happening then), then you start to get the focus of the creation account.
- a student came up to me after class to talk about a friend of his who is living with them and has been struggling with things that some people i've been living with this past year have been struggling with. and i was able to give him a couple of suggestions of what to do, but more so to listen and encourage him. and i could see how thankful he was to have somebody who understood how overwhelming just loving people can be.

and in all these things, i could see that i've been able to use what i've been learning in the past number of years to be a blessing to others. for which i am deeply thankful - and even if i only do that imperfectly at times, it is still very good.

first day of teaching

it began with me running for the bus this morning. i was awake more than early enough but getting organized and ready to leave took longer than i expected. thankfully, the bus driver responded to my mad dash and waving him down, and i made it to school in time to have more than enough time to do final preparations for class.

however, the run for the bus wasn't particularly great for my lunch. the bouncing didn't help the soya sauce get absorbed into my rice but instead caused it to spread itself over the contents of my backpack. so i have some distinctly brown marks over my books now. and a slight smell of chinese food over everything.

after getting to school, somebody asked me if i was nervous. i told them no, i was too busy being absent-minded and haphazard. so at least the haphazard morning helped with one thing :)

classes went fairly well. in the first class (OT narrative books), we simply went over the syllabus and expectations for the class. in the second class (Jeremiah), we went through the syllabus and then i introduced some of the issues in Jeremiah studies in recent years. i enjoyed being able to share what i have been studying - and it was a good feeling to know a lot about what i was talking about.

there was one moment today that especially sticks out. with all the classes, i shared about my life in Amsterdam and the community (and ministry) of which i am part. and after one class, one student asked if i had any advice of how to help people who have been drug addicts, since addicts are some of the people who come into our lives in Amsterdam. and i didn't have any great advice for him. i know that addicts, like most people with any kind of unhealthy habit, have learned how to justify their addiction in some way. and that often the addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem. and that in for the addict i had the most contact with, the person could be quite manipulative and two-faced. so what do we do? love them, try to see them honestly, help them to see more honestly, try to find the cause of the addiction, and love them. seeing as i didn't have any phenomenal advice for the student - just an ability to share an experience that i've had - i asked him how/what he was doing in the situation. and it was obvious that he was doing his best to help out this addict in his life - and that he cared for him very much. and i could see how much he appreciated the sense that i understood how difficult the situation could be. and his situation/experience is even more difficult than mine in the community - because we share the burden/care of people hurting amongst 50 people, who are all connected in some ways. the student who came to me has taken responsibility for caring for his addict friend. pray that he might have strength and wisdom and would come in contact with others to share his burden, even if it's only people like me who understand how hard it can be to love others who are hurting.

the best teaching moments

before i go back to grading tomorrow, i wanted to remember some of my favourite teaching moments. it was really good to teach again - and to remember again the feeling that being in front of a classroom is where i belong. but i must also acknowledge that this time of teaching was tempered with a bit of disappointment. we talked about community, especially related to "new monasticism" and broken places, along with the Reformed faith - and although the students knew little to nothing about "new monasticism," the concepts of community and the Reformed faith (or just Christianity) are both things that they had heard so much about already that it was hard to get them excited about it. and i had not recognized enough ahead of time that some things are hard to get passionate about if you simply accept it as a good thing and/or do not experience them - and community is a bit like that. and i was not as prepared with stories, questions, and/or challenges to help them experience it more fully. the class lacked structure somewhat, as i did not want to stifle any of their thoughts and/or voices but it me awhile to realize that they did not exactly see this as a freedom to relate what they were learning to their own experiences and/or questions. i was a bit surprised by the class - and did not know how to adapt quick enough to their expectations and reactions. and i was behind enough in the grading to miss things that i could have caught earlier. things improved as i started seeing more things but it still felt a bit like things didn't quite all fit together - and perhaps i will do it again, but it will be structured differently (the emphasis will be less on community and more on reaching out to the broken places of the world, with intentional community being one way of reaching out).

but despite my disappointment that i did not structure the class in a way that was best for learning, there were still a lot of great moments:

- i chose to begin the class using the same Bible text that was read in chapel here in Oudezijds 100 and then pray according to the pattern here: first, to give thanks, and then to intercede for the world, the church and Israel, and for the communities of which we are part. it was good to be connected to one of the most important tasks of the community here - praying together.

- almost every day a certain student thanked me for the class at the end of each day, irrelevant of how good the class period was. and i appreciated his thankfulness for the effort i put into class, and i was daily reminded of the privilege i had in sharing what i knew with the class - and encouraging them with what they knew.

- i got to see something special about each of the students - and so they moved from being names and faces on a piece of paper to being complicated and unique, full of questions and challenges and opinions along with hopes and dreams.

- the book we read, Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution, challenged a lot of people, even those who found him hard to hear because his experience and opinions were so different from the ones they had known all their lives. Shane advocates being more reckless in living out our faith, which are words that many people (myself included) growing up where Christianity is ordinary (and somewhat safe) need to hear.

- some of my students asked if they could take me out for lunch - just so they could hear more about my life and experiences - and i was honoured by their appreciation of me and my experiences.

- while the students were discussing questions in their small groups, one group got so into what they were discussing that a couple of students in other groups asked if they could join them (it was about whether working in a casino could be considered an appropriate job for a Christian). as we talked about it later in class, it became a bit clearer how and why they could disagree on something that seemed so obvious to some of them. and it made my heart glad to know that some of them continued to discuss this outside of class time.

- throughout the class and at the end, quite a number of them remarked that they had learnt to see things a bit differently, that they had been challenged and/or glad to have taken the class. and as that was my hope for them and the class, it makes me thankful.

- i am looking forward to reading their final exam question about how what we talked about in class applies to a "broken place" connected to their own lives - i have heard already about their concerns for the nursing home system, adoption, education, or their own families. i am hoping that they are foolish enough and courageous enough to try to make things better (or as we talked about in class - redeem things by restoring shalom (i.e. restoring things to how they should be)), in whatever small ways they can, for a situation that is close to their heart.

teaching again

so what's it been like teaching again? well, i don't remember it being so much work (especially all the grading!).... and i had forgotten how much energy is involved in standing in front of a classroom.

it has taken me some time to adjust to teaching again. first, i had to get over the nasty cold that clouded my head the first couple of days. and then there was time needed just to get settled. and last weekend i gave up all of my work so that i could go visit my family (which was lovely). and what has generally suffered is grading - which, much to my annoyance, i'm significantly behind on (of course, it does not help that i don't find grading the most enjoyable task :))

but besides the grading issue, i feel like with each day that i teach i become more aware again of my love for teaching. there is a kind of wonder and excitement involved in standing in front of a classroom encouraging people to share what they're thinking and learn more at the same time. and there's also wonder and excitement involved in trying to take all of what's going on in class - what the students are thinking and saying plus the stuff that they've been reading plus the extra information in my head - and put it all together to be something that students want to know more about and participate in. it's enjoyable to watch the changes that happen in the classroom - from the awkward-ness between all of us at the beginning to the freedom to ask more difficult questions and to see each of them become involved in sharing with their small group and (at least slightly) more comfortable sharing with the whole class. and when we spent some time talking about the messy topic of prostitution, there was a sense that they understood that prostitution wasn't quite as simple (or so easily dismissed as being evil/sinful) as they might have thought - and those involved in prostitution became less objects and more people. and today a couple of students expressed their appreciation of the class to me specifically, which always makes me feel honoured.

and i am honoured that i have been given the privilege of being able to share who i am with them and what i know with them. and i have hope that they have been learning more, even as i struggle to help them understand better what we're talking about. and i hope that in the class periods we have left that the students not only learn more information but are willing and able to be inspired to think about ways they can reach out to the broken places and be more fully the person who God has created them to be and is shaping them to be.

but in order for those hopes to become more reality, i need to get back to grading...

being able to exercise my love for teaching

one of the things i've missed in moving to Amsterdam has been the opportunities for teaching that i'd built up over the years in Grand Rapids. not that i really miss grading Hebrew quizzes, but i do miss being able to tutor people in Hebrew, mentor college students, help international students with their english for term papers, lead small groups, and even get to teach my own class a couple of times. getting to teach in a few months (and now having the time and energy to start prepping for the classes) has helped take away some of this disappointment of not knowing how to use my love for teaching here. but besides language and cultural challenges, not being able to use my gift and love of teaching is probably one of the hardest things i find in living here - and it is probably the biggest question i have in how long i will stay here.

and yet this week, i've been given a lot of teaching moments. i got to share my research on postmodern Christianity with someone here who has to write a paper on the effect of postmodernity on Christianity. i got to share my knowledge and wonder of "new monasticism" with somebody for whom this seemed to be a great possibility for her desire to take time off from studying and do some service ministry. i got to wonder about the significance of temple prostitution in ancient near Eastern cultures and about what the LORD's banning this in Israel revealed about Him. i get to teach two class periods on the Confessions of Jeremiah - and i can do and teach whatever i want provided we look at the text!

as i've been reminded more in the last couple of days of the nuisance and pain that can be caused by the reality that my choices and way of living affects other's lives and vice versa, i am thankful for being reminded of the joy that using my gifts and being myself can be a blessing to others. what makes each teaching moment special is the feeling of how my joy and excitement over the topic (and getting to share it) gets combined with the excitement and interest and experiences and knowledge of the other person, so that we are both (all) enriched by the experience.

learning how to dream again

months ago, i sent an email about the possibility of teaching an interim (DCM) class at Calvin College (i had previously taught a DCM class on postmodernity and truth in January 2006). the topic i suggested for the DCM this time was theology from the Red Light District. i received a fairly positive response to the possibility of my teaching but later realized that i didn't think i could teach this topic in any way that it was not sensationalized nor was i sure if this really fit best with what i wanted to learn and do this year - and so i dropped the discussion. and never thought more of it.

last week, however, i received an email asking if i was still interested in teaching. no longer liking my previously proposed topic, having planned somewhat already what i was going to do this year, spending another month away from the community here didn't seem to fit with my desire to learn more about community, and having already decided against teaching by having dropped the discussion previously, i had planned to decline the offer to teach. i even had the email all written.

however, before sending it away, i paused to ask myself whether i had really thought and prayed over the possibility of teaching. even if the logical answer to teaching was no, perhaps the unexpectedness of the offer spoke of God's hand in it. and as i paused to wonder about whether i ought to teach, it came to me what topic i would love to talk about more: community - how community is lived here - and how it is lived in the examples of "new monasticism" that i know of in America. and wondering together what it means to live and be community in the midst of sin (both the sin of us as individuals and the sin around us). and trying to know better how to live out community in our every day lives wherever we are - and whether we're part of a formal community. combining these questions of community with the Reformed ideas of creation being good, the fall (us all being broken), and redemption (a restoration to how things should be) would provide for a lot of great discussion.

and starting to dream about getting to teach about community, which has obviously been on my heart this last year, was a bit overwhelming. all my good, logical excuses for not teaching came crashing down. and i saw that my plans for the coming year were being re-worked. so, as i often do when i'm overwhelmed and need to pray and process, i went for a bike ride. and sooner or later, i knew that i wanted to say, yes, i'd love to teach. yes, i'd love to teach about what i love (community) to first-year college students who are enthusiastic about life, who are willing to dream about the impossible (including the craziness of living in community), and who still believe they can and will change the world.

so, i worked out some logistics. a place to stay in Grand Rapids has been found. i've moved my vacation time from here to be in January instead of for much of Advent. everyone i've talked to (family and friends here and back home) have all responded with delight over the fact that i'd get to do this (and are okay with my changing my plans even if it means that i don't get to see everyone as soon and as much as we'd all like). and as the logistics have worked out and with the encouragement of those i love, i feel like i've been allowed to dream again. for i get to be paid to do what i love (teach) and share about what i love (community)!

i'm deeply thankful to God for being pushed to dream again - and to believe that He does want to give me the desires of my heart. i do have to admit, though, that as delighted as i am to dream again, i'm also a bit nervous - dreaming has the unpleasant habit of making me have to re-adjust my life....