finding a voice

i remember a story about a child who grew up in a country with one language, parents who spoke another, a nanny who spoke yet another, and both grandparents speaking still other languages. long past the expected time for a child to speak, he still hadn't said anything. when he finally spoke, he used all the languages, as if it took him the extra several years to find his voice just to sort out which language to use when.

and i feel a lot like that - like i'm still trying to find my voice in the midst of all the languages around me. i'm not sure if being good at one aspect of languages (the written part) and being fairly self-aware has helped or hindered me, but the bombardment of different languages, cultures, assumptions, and everything else related of the last 9 years feel like they haven't been quite sorted out yet. i recognize it's been a bit much: i have had hundreds of people who've known my name, people who've been caring and/or in need of care; and people who've been searching and helped me with my own searching. there have been 6 new languages, my residing in 3 different countries (none of which i'd grown up in), about a dozen different jobs and/or schooling, having lived with people from several dozen different cultures - with major experiences and cultures rarely colliding except inside me, with my often being the only one present of a certain culture. and with each new culture i live amongst (and hopefully grow from), "my" culture has grown to be as change-able and unique as my accent. but for someone who still struggles with an unhealthy desire to make others happy, it is hard feeling that my culture - and what it is that fundamentally makes up who i am - so often doesn't quite fit (i.e. is in dissonance) with the world around me. and i wonder if i even understand enough of what is going around me to be heard; whether i have anything to say that actually does relate to what is happening or that it is even worthwhile.

i keep hoping that one day i will just wake up speaking all of the languages perfectly and knowing how everything fits together (like the likely mythical story above). i doubt that will happen - nor is it necessarily good. if i stop being aware of the tension in the many cultures around me, if i start believing that i have everything all figured out, if i stop trying to participate fully, then i have lost part of my voice. and even if i find all the mistakes inherent in my finding my full voice [being like a child learning a language], even if i find this struggle to be exhausting and disheartening, i pray that i have the courage to continue - so that i might speak words worth hearing and listen well to all the voices around me.