not the marrying type

a friend of mine said recently that he was not the marrying type. i told him that statistically married people are happier so maybe he should re-consider. the irony is that what he said has made me re-consider some of my own thoughts on being the marrying type.

growing up, my getting married was always assumed. sure, Christians would talk about the gift of single-ness but many of those with the 'gift' weren't particularly thrilled about being so gifted. and although most people don't put it quite so bluntly, i still feel a bit like people wonder what's wrong with me that no one has married me yet. see, Christians are the marrying types, sort of by default. according to most Christians, sex is only for marriage, so that's a pretty large incentive for becoming the marrying type. add to that the emphasis in Christian circles about the blessing of families (included in this is the call "to multiply" from Genesis 1). and finally add the loneliness generally associated with being single. all in all, marriage provides a lot of joy and the opportunity of learning to live and love unselfishly (as Christians are called to do). and thus, it seems pretty obvious that i should be the marrying type.

yet, as i thought about it, my being the marrying type no longer seems so obvious. after all, if i really was the marrying type, why do i get so annoyed when singleness is understood primarily as 'not yet married'? and there have been guys in my life who have been fun to be with, good Christians, interested enough in me, and i think i would have been content being married to, but i never pursued it - and more so, i've made choices that weren't so conducive to getting married. i always figured that i just hadn't found the "right guy," but i'm starting to recognize that there's more to my being single than simply not having (yet) found the right one.

many years ago, i read that being single gives you the freedom to love more people more, as your love is not primarily directed towards your own family. that stuck with me - being able to love more people more freely was something that spoke to my heart - it spoke of a life that had a certain kind of crazy reckless intensity to it. and when i compared being able to serve God by having the freedom to go wherever whenever and love more people more, the joys and challenges of marriage didn't necessarily come out higher. and thus i was kind of single by default. yet, living in community has shown me that this comparison isn't quite the way i have to see singleness and/or marriage.

living in community, the picture i have in my head of both single-ness and marriage have been re-shaped. my being single hardly means that i'm doomed to live a quiet, lonely existence. living in community is anything but quiet and dull. in community, i've found people with whom not only to share the house chores but also who are interested in how my day was and are willing to share the burdens and joys in my life. and since these same people also sometimes annoy me and demand more of me than i always want to give, learning to live unselfishly is something i am challenged with constantly. and joy and laughter comes in piles - although it helps if you delight in adventures and are good at laughing at yourself. as i still have no great desire to have my own children, marriage no longer seems like the only choice i have for joy, companionship, children, and growing to be less selfish. and most of all, i have seen that community provides a tangible way for me to love more people more fully - and in that way i've discovered that living in community speaks to this desire of my heart. and i have no question that i want to live the rest of my life in community somehow.

and yet, even as much as i feel complete as a single person and that i'm not just waiting around anxiously to get married, i don't have to have to reject the possibility of marriage either. it's just i would want marriage to allow me to continue to follow the desire to love people more. and so getting married would be a means for me to live even more fully in community - to be better able to participate, be further supported, and further challenged - and provide extra joy in the midst of the challenges of serving God and loving others. though i do have to admit that i kind of wonder how God would ever find someone for me who is okay with my odd, somewhat nomadic approach to life, but as i believe in a God who is capable of the impossible, who knows?

as for now, i'm not entirely sure of all the implications of re-classifying myself as not exactly the married type - but i think it's got some benefits, not the least of which is the realization that i think i'm going to enjoy dating more :)