i choose

it´s been a rough week. like most people, i choose to avoid those kind of weeks as much as possible. but sometimes, certain choices mean that i leave myself open to things i wouldn´t normally choose. these are some of those choices in my life now.

i choose to write much about the joy and learning of life in a community. and i choose to write little about the people who i find difficult to live with - or the moments i just want to get as far away as possible (by bike preferably so i can get rid of my frustration).

i choose to focus on the amazing delight of having family here - of having a two year old ask me to pick her up, of having cats without having to clean up their litter box, of being teased about how to cut the cheese at breakfast, of having people to share chores with, of celebrating milestones together, and of rejoicing when a daughter turns back to God. and i choose not to focus so much on how the ´family´ here (like most families) is filled with dysfunctional people who don´t always get along. even though i choose to mourn over how broken we all are.

i choose to live in this community that helps people become more independent. but that means that i have also chosen to live in a community that never stays the same - not only because all of us are discovering things (good and bad) about ourself by being stuck with different people but also because people who we´ve grown to care about leave and unknown people come and all of us must figure out how the community changes with each loss and growth.

i choose to live in community instead of by myself, which i means that i choose to open myself to tohers and let others affect me on a very regular basis. and i don´t always get to choose whether they affect me in a good way or a bad way - nor how often a certain person might bring joy into my life nor how much energy a person will demand in relating to them. and even if they treat me poorly, i don´t get to treat them poorly in return (although i do choose to avoid them when that seems the healthiest thing for me to do).

i choose to live in this community - with people very different than myself - culturally, religiously, experientially and age-wise. the hope is that i learn how to get beyond myself - and appreciate the rest of the world better. but it also means that i have thus chosen to experience cultural clashes and to learn to function in at least one other different language.

i choose to be a responsible part of this community. i choose to organize the kitchen things and make sure the bathroom gets cleaned, even if doing so has meant several arguments (including a rather nasty one with me being yelled at). i am learning to choose not to be overly responsible (things will continue without me making sure that everything in the kitchen is perfect) and to ask someone to take care of my responsibilities when i feel too overwhelmed to do them.

i choose to combine my studying with living in a community. with the hope that the community will help me understand how to live the Word of God i´m studying. and that i´ll get to share that Word through what i say and what i do. yet, as sometimes the life in the community becomes all-encompassing, that means that i sometimes choose not to study as much as i feel i ought to - and that as my studies are becoming more intense in the next few months that i might have to make different choices.

i choose to live thousands of miles from my immediate family and from my friends and all that was once familiar to me. and i choose to love this city and my studies and the people here. and i think i do - not only because there is much that brings me joy and delight but because this is where i think God wants me to be - so that i might learn how better to serve Him.

and some days it doesn´t feel like the choices are worth it. this week had a couple of days like that. the language and culture things got overwhelming. i witnessed what i would consider disrespectful behaviour and was accused of inappropriate behaviour. my Christianity was questioned. i heard a lot of complaints. and most of all i felt the general unease of everyone in the house as we struggled with two people we cared about leaving us - and the coming of four ´unknown´ people (two of whom have managed to fight with almost everyone here). and i am/ was emotionally exhausted.

and today, after morning chapel, i chose not to participate in life here. i chose not to join in community meals or prayers. i handed over whatever responsibilities i still had. i chose not to reach out to others in any way, but instead to rest, read, and do some homework. and i chose this so that i would have time to remember the One who chose me first. To reconnect to the One who gives me all the courage and energy to make choices. and without whose grace, care and love, i would not be able to love others - which includes the hard choices that make up every-day practical love.