grace for today

i'm not naturally inclined to worry. i like the excitement and challenge brought on by the unexpected. and being a rather pragmatic person, i know that worrying doesn't make the problems go away (and usually actually makes the problems worse!)

but i've been anxious lately: so often lately i've been halfway through the day and i feel like i've used up for the day all my energy (especially concerning relating well to people) and i have no idea how i'm going to make it through the rest of the day or tomorrow or the next day. and it's here (teaching in my old school in Ukraine) that i'm recognizing this as anxiety.

i could blame this feeling on the challenges of living with lots of different people - all of us with different struggles. but the anxiety has followed me here - showing me that it is something that has become part of me and not just a result of my environment.

i taught six classes on Monday. and i remembered why i'd rather not teach at the high school level (i rather dislike disciplining) and why i'd rather not teach a second language (having people not understand me is frustrating). the classes were a struggle for me to get the students actually to speak in English and not translate for each other so that half the class doesn't have to pay attention to what i've said in English. teaching was made more challenging since the classes were mostly speaking and listening practice (and not using any books or other material). and i know that it is much easier to keep a class focused when you know students' names and can call on someone who has a nasty habit of not listening (or you can move students who like to be disruptive with their neighbour).

teaching was thus more disappointing and more draining than i had expected. by the time afternoon came and i had to prepare for the next day's classes (5 more), i wasn't sure how i was going to get through the day let alone be able to minister to the students, which is what i had hoped to do in coming here.

but then i had a walk, i confessed to my friend (who is the English teacher here) that i couldn't teach as much this week as i had thought i could, i chatted online with a friend (desperately asking for help and she encouraged me), and i figured out a way to encourage the students to talk in english class (in english, of course!). and as i was watching a movie in the evening with the students (Take the Lead - a delightful film about how a ballroom dance teacher affects the lives of innercity kids in New York), i realized that i would receive grace enough for the day. the movie made me laugh, it showed hope and a different world, and the students loved it. and i knew the grace wasn't really about the movie or the day. i realized that i would receive enough grace for every day - that God would provide people to encourage me, to help me to laugh, and to see Him working.

and yesterday, the english classes went better. for part of the class, each student had to talk about a picture - saying as many sentences, no matter how simple, about the picture as they could (in english, of course). and it was delightful not only to hear them enthusiastically using english but also to see the surprise and delight on one girl's face who was convinced that she couldn't speak in english but somehow managed to produce about 25 sentences in one minute (the goal of the task was quantity not quality). one of my 'famous' lines that my old students remember is 'you can do it.'

and even though i was exhausted last night after teaching (and doing a bit of shouting in the english competition - ever tried to lead 90 people in games in a small room?), it had been a good day. and the students and dorm parents loved the competition. and i had enough time to process what i learned and prepare for today.

i am deeply thankful for the realization that God will provide enough grace for each day (but just this day - the grace and energy for tomorrow will come when i need them tomorrow). even when i am tired, He will provide me with enough energy to do what I ought to. certainly i ought to participate in not getting overwhelemed by resting appropriately, not forcing people to put with me when i'm grouchy, and making sure that i have a good balance of people in my life who i regularly see God's grace through and help me to laugh at myself. but in those days when all my efforts to be emotionally healthy, joyful, and have enough energy are not nearly enough for the day, then i can rest assured that God will provide the grace i need. and when i don't accept that grace well (or haven't really participated in trying to be ready for the day), i can also rest assured that God's grace extends over my mistakes of today and yesterday.

i'll end with part of the poem from the Writer's Almanac for today, which says a bit about grace for yesterdays.

Thanks, Robert Frost
Do you have hope for the future?
someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.
Yes, and even for the past, he replied,
that it will turn out to have been all right
for what it was, something we can accept,
mistakes made by the selves we had to be,
not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,
or what looking back half the time it seems
we could so easily have been, or ought...

written by David Ray, from Music of Time: Selected and New Poems.
the rest of the poem can be found on the Writer's Almanac's website