16 November 2020

What can happen when you try to arrange things for God

Over a year ago, the main chaplain for the CRC campus ministry at the University of Toronto made known his plans to retire. As a fellow CRC campus minister, I'd become friends with some of the U of T staff team and hoped they'd find a new staff member who was a good fit for the ministry. And, because I'd like to see more female campus minister colleagues, I also thought it'd be great if they could find a female to take on the position. 

When it became known that the campus ministry was indeed looking for someone to fill the position full-time, I started reaching out to people who were qualified. I brainstormed with Sara, a friend of mine who used to work as part of the staff team in Toronto, about all of the qualified females we could ask, trying to help arrange things for God.

And then in February this year, Sara and I were wondering again how we could help out the ministry (and God) with filling the position, and she suggested again that I apply. When she'd suggested this previously, my answer had always been a quick no, sometimes with a laugh at the absurdity of the idea. I loved my job in Lansing, and if we moved again, it would be back to Europe. 

But that February, when Sara asked again, what had once seemed an obvious 'no' felt differently. So I wondered if perhaps the Spirit was prodding me to look again - had God even been using my intense interest in arranging things for the ministry as a preparation for being open to the idea of applying to the position myself? But it still felt absurd to contemplate moving to Toronto, and so when I asked Matthijs about his thoughts about moving to Toronto, I assumed he'd respond negatively. But he was enthusiastic about the idea, and I had a stronger sense of what chaos God might be asking us to enter into these next few months. 

And then the pandemic hit, life turned chaotic, and I was in a position to provide needed encouragement and pastoral care to folks connected to Campus Edge as we navigated this new season. And still, sensing God's hand on the whole process (and with some extra help from Matthijs), I applied to the position at U of T. And the folks of U of T continued with the search and hiring someone. And I couldn't help but wonder what kind of idiot contemplates upheaving their life and moving jobs across a closed border in the middle of a pandemic! 

We are now in week two of self-isolation in Toronto, and as of tomorrow I am officially working full-time as a chaplain at the U of T (I've been working part-time, gradually increasing my hours, since mid-August). I still feel like one does need to be slightly crazy to move countries and jobs in the middle of a pandemic. Or perhaps one simply has to have a strong sense that God is better at arranging things than I am: how else can I account for our selling our house, the tremendous help we had in finding housing here in Toronto (and how graciously we've been welcomed)?
Running around in our new house

Making a bridge (and slide) with stuff loaned from a colleague for our 2-week mandatory quarantine

 

25 August 2020

2 Kings 5 - when God shows up

The following is a sermon preached at Campus Chapel in Ann Arbor on August 25. The sermon is less exegetical and more of an interaction with the text of 2 Kings 5. It started with a rumination on 2 Kings 5:13 (“But his servants approached and said to him, “Father, if the prophet had commanded you to do something difficult, would you not have done it? How much more, when all he said to you was, ‘Wash, and be clean’?””) and then moved gradually into exploring how God enters into our lives.


If we were asked to do something hard,

I think most of us would do it with conviction.

Especially if it meant saving someone’s life.

Yet, when this all started back in March,

we were asked to wash our hands umpteen times a day.

Singing a song so we would wash long enough.

And then we were told to stay home to stay safe.

Where are the heroics in that?

It seemed so little.

And even almost cowardly.

As if we were afraid of illness and death.

 

At first, it seemed so little,

And so I didn’t understand why I chafed,

Why was I protesting so strongly?

Why do I want to turn away in anger, like Naaman in 2 Kings 5?

If I had been commanded something difficult,

would I not have done it?

How much more then, when only this little is being asked of me?

Wash, be clean, keep others clean.

 

And then the protests started.

Protesting masks. Protesting injustice.

And I understood that the words, wash and be clean.

Actually meant so much more:

Wash away your ideas of control

Let go of your life as it used to be.

 

For Naaman, the command was an invitation.

Humble yourself,

wash yourself in the river of this other country,

follow the strange commands of this prophet and his God.

Let go of your life as it used to be.

Recognize that all your best efforts cannot save you.

God alone does the impossible.

 

And we, we are invited to wash our hands,

Let go of our plans.

Recognize how little control we have over the future.

Deny ourselves

Trusting that God can use our small efforts to save lives.

 

Be baptized by the water

That washed away our sins

And also washes away our good desires

That sometimes grow

As unhealthy as the disease that covered Naaman’s skin.

 

Naaman returns to the prophet healed.

Deeply thankful,

ready to make a great sacrifice.

Except he is not allowed to pay for the gift he received.

A reminder again

that no matter how mighty we are

God does not need our help.

 

But instead God invites us to keep asking.

On top of the healing,

Naaman asks for dirt.

Something to take with him

So that he can serve the God of Israel

While not needing to give up everything in his life.

An ancient prototype of technology, you could say

Allowing Naaman to remain with those he cared about.

While continuing to be reminded of God’s gift

And so live in thankfulness for the gift he received.

Our gifts today are internet and zoom,

Social distancing and masks,

Keeping us connected to those we love

Allowing us to keep coming together.

As we live into the rearrangement of our lives

That began with a focus on washing our hands.

 

And as hard as this time has been,

The story of Naaman speaks

to how God enters into our lives.

Challenging and shaping us.

Inviting us to wash ourselves

Opening ourselves up to God cleansing

And healing us.

 

Naaman’s cleansing began with a stranger.

A foreign captive in Naaman’s house.

Who spoke up and was heard

Who brought words of hope

A promise of the impossible.

 

In a time when distancing makes helping hard

When every other person I interact with

could be a potential threat

And even those I love

Are disrupting the order of my life.

How does one keep loving and listening?

When I’ve spent so much of the last months

With barely enough energy left over,

How do I care for those who are part of my communities?

my next door neighbors?

Let alone the foreigner and stranger

All the potential threats.

 

How do I not become contaminated by this illness

that spreads through being connected?

How does my physical distance

Not become emotional and spiritual distance?

 

How do I not become like the king who tore his robes:

How dare you expect me to do something?

I cannot heal others.

But to ask that is to blind myself to the truth

That God is the one who heals.

God who has entered into our lives.

God among us - Immanuel

Jesus who healed so many during his time on earth

And then conquered death

Before returning where he reigns on high

God the Spirit who is with us

This God is the one who heals.

This God can do the impossible:

This God can renew our earth and climate;

Heal the polarization in this land

Enact changes to end structural racism.

 

And this same God invites us,

Like the servant girl,

To be part of that healing.

Not because our efforts will change the world.

But because sometimes,

Like the servant girl,

our words are heard.

And we become part of God’s

Entering into the world.

The servant girl spoke.

Naaman listened.

Elisha intervened.

God acted.

And so the impossible happened.

 

But, oh we so want to claim

That it was our voice that changed things.

Or get some kind of reward

For what we have done.

Or perhaps simply we are tired

And just want something to make life a little easier.

 

What was Gehazi thinking?

The request –

The slight distortion of truth

Just 2 sets of clothes

And some silver

How could that be a big deal?

 

As a child, I couldn’t believe Gehazi’s greed!

How dare he!

And as an adult,

I see in him myself.

That longing to be rewarded

For all that I have done.

To be compensated

For that all I have given up. 

 

And God enters the story here,

Just not perhaps the way we’d like.

Elisha confronts Gehazi.

And Gehazi is punished harshly.

Probably not so much for his greed

As for how he has distorted God’s image.

What picture of God is shown

When Naaman is able to ‘pay’ for his miracle

When instead of radical grace

His healing has shifted into a transaction

Especially if that transaction comes from Gehazi’s desire

To take advantage of their enemies.

Instead of trusting that God does provide.

And so God enters anew into Gehazi’s life

Through sickness

And what has often felt, to me,

a harsh punishment.

 

But Gehazi’s story does not end here

He shows up again in chapter 8

In the courts of the king, of all places!

He is advocating for the Shunammite woman.

Reminding the king of Elisha’s great deeds

Of raising her dead boy to life again

While also advocating that the king

Give back to the Shunammite woman

The land that she had left

And, even more, giving her back all the income

That her land produced in the time she was gone.

Radical provision.

A story of God providing

 

And so I wonder,

if the story might have more grace than we first might see.

If God’s interruption of Gehazi’s life

Was a catalyst for something new.

Something good.

 

Being open for God’s intervention

Washing ourselves in the Jordan.

It sounds simple.

Yet, just like with Naaman, it asks so much more of us.

It sounds like nothing heroic,

Except to speak up with courage when needed

and allow God to throw our whole lives into chaos

Rearrange our schedules again and again.          

Confronted by how little control we have,

And invited to offer our whole lives up to God.

 

This invitation, as hard as it is, is also a gift.

Let go of our efforts.

Trust in those of God.

And perhaps we will,

just like in the stories of Elijah and Elisha,

Be a witness to God showing up.

Be a witness to the impossible.

 

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit Amen.

20 August 2020

Genesis 35: getting the details right

Reading through Genesis 35, two details struck me: the naming of the place, Bethel, and Jacob's renaming as Israel. Both of these namings were ones I was familiar with; the surprise for me in the text is that both are a repeat.

Jacob had named the place Bethel after his dream there when fleeting Esau. He even specifically moved to that place (El bethel) because that was where he'd met God. Why then is the explanation later in chapter 35 given about the place being given the name Bethel?

Jacob was named Israel after wrestling with God. Why is he then given the name a second time?

I don't know the answers to the questions, and I'm not sure if there are any obvious answers. Especially since the text doesn't provide contradictory information, but is simply repeating itself, the need for answers seems less. However, it does make me wonder about the way stories are told.

18 August 2020

The lie of depression

The following is part of a series of posts that I found in my draft and are only now publishing.

The Banner published an article last year on depression that describes some of the difficult complexity of depression. What I appreciated most about it was the author's description of depression as a lie:
"Depression is a shape-shifter and it is a liar. The lies are probably the cruelest part of the illness. It tells you that everything you’re feeling is your own fault, or that what you’re experiencing isn’t real and the pain is only in your head. If you just tried harder, it says, the noise in your head would stop and your soul wouldn’t ache.
Depression is a lying illness, and its most sinister and dangerous lie is that this darkness around you will not end, that the pain is permanent, that there is no relief.

It lies. It lies about the most important truth that all new things begin in darkness, that dawn comes out of the deepest night, and that if the light isn’t there yet, then sometimes you have to reach into the darkness and pull it out." Theresa A. Miedema, "Me and the Black Dog" 
I am a bit disappointed, though, that she seems to emphasize what we have to do in the midst of depression - here it sounds too much like it is my own hope and my own strength that get me through depression. That, too, is a lie. At the same time, I can see how it is hard to talk about God's presence in the midst of depression, as it is hard not to blame God. Yet, the vision she gives of God at the end of the article -"a God who sees you, who knows you in all your passion, in your good moments and your bad moments—and who welcomes you as God’s beloved" - ought also to highlight how God can handle and even welcomes all of your anger and disappointment about how God is not intervening more powerfully to heal.

15 August 2020

How I'd like to live my life - 2009 and now

These are words I wrote back in 2009:
I live in a community whose goal is to be a joy and hope to those around us. We invite others into our lives, whether for a coffee or a meal or a conversation or a chance to start over again. And simply by being part of this community, I get practice in being open and gracious to others - in ways that I couldn't on my own. and even as I know that it is not healthy to be always open and available for everyone all the time, I still wish I had the courage to be more caring and hospitable. I wish I wasn't scared of whether I should or could, but that I just did it - just reached out to others. 

And today? While I no longer live in that community, I feel like God has answered the prayer I gave above. In doing campus ministry, I have found a way to practice hospitality and being open, as well as sharing joy and hope with others. 

29 July 2020

Aachen and Trier - a memory


I've been cleaning up old files and came across this unpublished post of pictures from a trip to Aachen and Trier - from right before we moved to Lansing. We took the trip to celebrate being together again and to allow me to see a bit more of Europe. Near the end of his university studies, Matthijs spent four weeks in Trier giving tours in the Cathedral. He would mention it every once in awhile, so I was excited about visiting this place in his past. 


We first headed out to Aachen, stopping along the way in Heerlen at a museum containing the remains of a Roman bath that is 2000 years old. In Aachen proper, we got to witness the German response to their win in the quarterfinals. It was impressive, although I have to say I'm glad not to have been there for the last match!

Then we headed to Trier. The following are some of the pictures from that time. I am reminded of the beauty that is so much a part of life in Europe. 






Looking through the pictures, though, it took me awhile to determine the significance of these last two pictures. It's a pretty enough view of the city, but not spectacular. And then I remembered. I'd booked a fairly nice room at a conference center in Trier, but it was a ways away from the train station. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized that it was up a rather large hill. Worse yet, there was no public transportation to get to the top. 


That hill (and the hotel booking) are remembered as one of our more spectacular failures at trip detail planning. I'm so thankful that we've had even more years to practice (6!) and that we've gotten better at it - having a car helps a bit, too :)



10 July 2020

Enough time to waste?

Day care reopening has been the biggest shift in my life this past week. Time thus feels a bit more like a gift instead of something I have to carefully schedule. Time has also become something I can once again waste, which makes me feel guilty - how dare I waste this new gift from God?!? And yet, I also believe that God's gifts are abundant - and so there is enough even to waste it on sitting still, biking, reading, catching up, and ultimately resting.