transitioning from master student to official ph.d. student at the Vrije

later today i will (hopefully) make the transition from my being a master's student to being an official ph.d. student (in the "all but dissertation" stage) at the Vrije Universiteit. my thesis has been read by my professor and a second professor - and received the approval of "good" and "good enough" for my master's diploma. since it's going to be built on and revised in the years to come, i'm more than happy with that level of approval.

in honour of this hopeful transition (which might still take some paperwork but hopefully limited revisions, if any at all), i thought i'd clarify what i actually wrote my thesis on ...

The question I wanted to answer was what the purpose of the Confession (vv. 10-21) in Jeremiah 15 was. (This was done in order to find what the meaning of the passage was for the average person reading it). In order to answer that question, I studied all of Jeremiah 15; translating it, breaking it into parts and discovering it's structure, looking closely at the grammar (especially verbs - vv. 6-9 are pretty difficult since it switches from YQTL (more present/future not yet verbs) to QTL (more past, completed verbs) in what seems to be a haphazard way - although with further study, you can see that this haphazardness has a way of communicating certainty of an event (the exile) that has not fully happened at the time the words are originally to have been said), and looking at who was named and involved in the text.

I looked specifically at a couple of studies on the Confessions done in the context of the whole book (studies done by Smith, O'Connor, and Diamond about 20 years ago) and used them as a standard of evaluation for finding the meaning of the text. The different purposes they gave (along with a couple of commentaries) for the Confession in Jer 15 were: that it was a text that spoke about judgment, that it was a text that gave questions about God's goodness (i.e. theodicy), and that the text validated Jeremiah as a prophet (along with the exile and judgment). Almost all of them were very clear that the text was not to be taken as an example to follow. But, none of these purposes have an obvious meaning to the average person reading the text. And since I believe that the text ought to be able to speak to (all) people hearing/reading it (that's what I believe when I say the whole Bible is the Word of God), I wanted to understand whether these purposes could be shown to have meaning or whether something was missing in these understandings of the passage.

And so I looked as close as I could at Jeremiah 15, then I asked if the meaning changed when I looked at in terms of the first half of the book and when I looked at it in terms of the whole book. The verdict was that the purposes given by these major sources did not fully do justice to the meaning of Jer 15:10-21 both by itself (in light of the whole chapter), and in light of the whole book.

Although Jer 15:10-21 might seem to be a validation of Jeremiah's prophetic task - and of the judgement that comes/came with the exile, this makes sense only in light of the first half of the book where there is limited details about Jeremiah's suffering and the actual judgment. However, if you look at the whole book, there are a lot of places where Jeremiah is shown to be doing a better job of being a prophet (in this passage, Jeremiah calls down vengeance on his enemies, calls the LORD a deceitful brook, and is told to turn to the LORD (e.g. repent) - all details which call into question what kind of prophet he was). Also, a validation of Jeremiah, although has much to say to Jews after the exile who would be helped by seeing how Jeremiah fulfilled his prophetic role effectively and that their judgment was deserved, does not have much to say to people who are not in that specific historical situation - and I believe the text was written for more than just the Jews in exile.

That Jer 15:10-21 includes judgment does not mean that it has a lot to say about judgment. In light of the whole book, this passage has actually a limited amount to say about judgment (vv. 13-14, which mention judgment the most, are fairly obscure - if you read different translations, you can see a significant difference in the translations - and quite a number of people would argue that these verses are not part of the original text. Although I would argue that these verses do fit into the text here (and thus are not only a later redaction), all the questions surrounding them makes me loathe to make too many conclusions based on them!) In fact, what is unique about this passage in terms of judgment, is that the judgment is mixed with hope and a promise of the LORD turning to Jeremiah (in spite of Jeremiah's desire to give up being a prophet and his harsh words to the LORD). This paradox of judgment and hope/mercy is one of the main themes of the passage.

Jer 15:10-21, I would argue, does raise a lot of questions about God's faithfulness and goodness (which is unique to this place in the book). But if you look at the story of Jeremiah in the whole book, you'll see that the LORD was with Jeremiah most of the time - and does help him, so his questions/accusations are not necessarily valid. Yet, irrelevant of the validity of Jeremiah's questions to God, the passage does not focus on these questions. The LORD's answer to Jeremiah in v. 19 pretty much ignores his concerns. The focus of the passage is less then on the questions of Jeremiah (e.g. theodicy) and more on the prophetic task - and the relationship of Jeremiah to the LORD.

So, why did these major studies come up with answers that are so different than mine? Part of the answer to the differences was that I expanded the study to include the whole book, which gave a different perspective. But besides that, I would also argue that a lot of it had to do with how one reads the text, which is a major focus of my thesis. I would argue that everyone comes to the Bible with certain assumptions. As a confessing Christian, I come to the Bible with certain assumptions about it being the inspired Word of God that has meaning for everybody - and I ought to read it that way. Others come to the text using primarily the methodologies of the day that are often reacting against bad ways of reading the Bible. The assumptions that you make affect whether you ignore certain parts of the passage (because they don't fit for whatever reason), what you're looking for when you read it, who you assume the text is written to (and who wrote it), and why the text matters. I explored these assumptions quite a bit - but I recognize that this is a place that I want to learn more about - especially since this an area where the academic study of the Bible can interact with the study done by an average person trying to live the Christian life!

So, after all of this, what is the meaning of the passage for the average person? Well, the point is not to be "just like Jeremiah." Although this might seem to be an obvious (and somewhat simple) way to give meaning to the passage, there are way too many ways in which this can be taken the wrong way (e.g. cursing your enemies, being self-righteous in the midst of suffering, etc.) - and so in this, the major studies had a good point. But, nonetheless, the average person can find meaning in the passage from looking at Jeremiah and the words in this book. The questions raised by Jeremiah are shown to be permissible, even as the focus is on faithfulness and a relationship, instead of on the questions - and this pattern/focus is something that people can take as an example to follow. And the mixture of judgment/suffering with hope/mercy is also something that people today can relate to - because it seems like life is a lot like this.

There's more still - at the end, I asked whether finding the purpose of the passage was even the best way to find meaning in the passage. The passage raises questions about intercession and the role of the prophet - and since these are tasks that Christians today are called to in some way, the questions here matter. But these are questions I've only begun to look at - and I don't have an answer that I'm happy with yet (hopefully today after talking with my prof(s), I'll get a bit more direction on the answer to this).

And there's more I want to study. There are a couple of people (Polk in The Prophetic Person and Brueggemann in Like Fire in the Bones) who I want to study more because they've shown how to connect the academic work on Jeremiah with why it would matter to real people. And I'll be expanding the study to include more of the Confessions, so I have a broader base for my conclusions. I'm far from done, but I'm excited about what's next. After all, I get to study the Bible and ask how it matters to real life (and how can I help people see that?)!

still surprised that God is good

i have many, many good memories of the last year and a half (and from before that, too). and i am convinced that God's hand was involved in this. i know in my head that God has been good to me in the past; yet, despite knowing deep inside that God is good, i continue to be surprised when i recognize how God has been good to me.

perhaps it is the fact that i am surrounded by a world where sin and brokenness can not be easily hidden or ignored. perhaps it is the fact that there's a lot of pain and frustration involved in growing and being who God has created me/us to be. perhaps it is simply the dull-ness that comes from the ordinary - the kazillions of chores and details necessary just to participate in life.

but despite (and maybe even because of) all these things, there are moments when i am filled with intense joy and thankfulness. and i wonder how i could not recognize the goodness of God in my life?!? after all, i get to delight in biking through a park in Amsterdam on a Sunday afternoon. i've been accepted by so many people, even and especially when i mess up. i continue to bump into new friendships and am given more and more people who love me (and who i love). and none of these things are really new to here and now, so it's not logical that i'm surprised. but the surprise reminds me that i do not deserve God's grace; yet, nonetheless, i receive his grace and goodness. and his grace and goodness are so great that it is good that i be struck with a sense of wonder and astonishment :)

"the usual"

the other morning i was asked my plans for the day, and i responded with "the usual." my plans included reading for my classes, writing some e-mails, organizing and planning things for teaching, working on re-writing my thesis for Calvin Seminary, and we'd see what else came up during the day. as i've learned from living here, i can't exactly plan for all of the unexpected things of the day. and "the usual" usually includes a couple of surprises....

"the usual" this week has included some work on re-writing the thesis (yay!), reading some books in Dutch (a children's book called Jip en Janneke and half of the third Harry Potter), reading and making notes on the textbook for my class on community (The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne), talking to a lot of people (some related to the organization of daily life in a community and some personal and pastoral), having a party thrown in my room by a 7-year-old, a lot of shared meals, going for a walk (that included a run over an obstacle course) in the WesterPark, writing a lot of e-mails, drinking a lot of tea, organizing details for teaching and travelling in the spring, cooking this evening, crying and being cried on, some meetings, morning and evening prayers, strengthening relationships, helping take out the garbage this morning (which we needed to bring across the street (i.e. over the canal) because the garbage truck came way earlier than normal on our own side), and so on.

i'm expecting that life in Grand Rapids will have a much quieter version of "the usual." i think i'll miss the unexpected-ness of life here (a lot) but i think i'm also looking forward to a bit of quiet-ness and the hope that i can get some more academic stuff done (which i'm growing to long for more and more). i realize that i could probably do more academic stuff here (and that i want that to be more part of my "usual"), but then i'd miss some of the adventure of life here - and since i'm not going to be here for most of the spring, i want to store up on extra community-related time and memories.

dating amidst community

i've been dating one of the guys from the community here for a few months now. and the experience of dating in a community where we are surrounded by people who know us well has had its moments...

neither of us had any desire to keep our dating a secret from the community. and we assumed that people would figure out that we were dating fairly quickly. sure, we had been friends for the last year, but daniël and i could now be found together often enough that we assumed people would start to wonder. but time passed, we spent a lot of time hanging out with others (including a weekend away with most of the community), and yet still no one asked or teased us.

slowly people found out. a good friend of daniël's was suspicious when daniël was more interested in a text message (sms) that he received than in his friend's company. a couple of people saw us together often enough. we told a few people. and even if people hadn't noticed that we were dating, some had noticed that we were both a bit different: daniël had become more cheerful; and i had become more thoughtful and contemplative (sometimes i tease him that he got the better deal in this relationship :)). and it was good to hear and see people's reactions - and to know that they were happy for us - and wanted the best for us.

nonetheless, it remained a source of amusement for me to see how long it would take before everybody realised we were dating. a few weeks ago, a bunch of us were sitting around in the kajuit (our common living space), and i gave a fake kiss of appreciation to one of the guys here (on account of his help with the kitchen). one of the community members teased me that this was not so romantic. i responded by saying, well, of course not, i have a boyfriend. she didn't believe me at first. but nobody else in the room seemed surprised by my comment. so she checked with them to see if i really was telling the truth, and she discovered i was. and then she had to figure out who it was (and as we were all laughing at her and her astonishment, none of us helped her). she was happy to find out, although astounded that she hadn't suspected anything - and declared that she was going to talk to the other community members (and their families) to see who'd been keeping the secret from her. and well, now we're pretty sure that almost everybody knows.

and one of the best parts about dating amidst community is being surrounded by people who care about both daniël and i - and pray and hope for the best for both of us. sometimes it's a bit overwhelming to know that all these people are watching out for us (and won't always respect our privacy). but privacy is sometimes overrated. i know that we are surrounded by people who know us well - and are willing to speak up if they are worried that our relationship is poor or causing either of us to change being who we are - and who God made us to be.

we're not sure where this relationship is going. neither daniël or i knows what's next in our lives. i don't know if we'll be able to continue to work through the different expectations we have of each other and of what a relationship should be. and whether our different understandings of how to see the world will bring us to different visions of how we can best live out our lives. but for now, the relationship is good. for, as my friend (Judith) says, it brings life to both of us.

another picture of life here in community

Marco moved into our community 6 weeks ago and has been sharing on his blog his experience of living here. part of his expectation in writing it is to give a bit of an account of his reactions to life here in community - and see how that changes as time goes on. if you read his accounts of community and compare it to my accounts of community life, they're fairly different. they both do paint a picture of life here - and so perhaps it's only fair for me to give you an opportunity to see another perspective of life here. not that i think that Marco has a full picture of how the community here is (nor do i :)).

yet the picture he paints of life here fits. he's right, sometimes breakfast conversations are annoying. although i have to admit i find the alert-ness quality of some of the others to be highly entertaining (you have to pay attention to a lot of subtleties, though - and be able to appreciate how and whether the amount of time a person stares at their bread contemplating what to put on it changes). and i've been contemplating lately how more to contribute to improving the atmosphere at breakfast, especially when the conversation annoys me.

and yep, sometimes there are not enough people for dishes. since i watch over the kitchen (at least kind of), this is something i pay quite a bit of attention to - and it annoys me - and sometimes annoys me a lot. so the people who tend to disappear instead of doing dishes have been approached and the hope is that things change somewhat - even if this is a re-occuring problem. and it helps, too, that i know better now that some of the people leaving without helping are off to do other necessary things...

and there are more things that are disappointing and annoying for me. but i don't want to dwell on them. if they annoy me enough, then i need to talk to somebody about changes - whether the change needs to be my attitude or my expectations or whether the change can happen elsewhere. but otherwise i'll try to focus on what is life-giving about community here.

for this, too, is a good picture of life here: a friend from the community went to the hospital today with heart problems. and it was great to see how much the community came together to reach out to him and his wife and children. it was obvious, too, that we were all grateful to hear that he's doing better.

and after chapel, a bunch of us were sitting around. daniël and i were talking about what we were doing this weekend and what we wanted to do. he mentioned how much he loved "hints" (a game of charades) and would really like to play that this weekend. and after a bit of random chatting, Petra got up and started acting. and so a group of us played. and we laughed. and the joy of having this unexpected fun together - as well as making space for each other, being able to be fully ourselves, and being spontaneous - reminded me again that this is where i want to be - and this is how i want to live my life. and so when i picture life in community, this is the picture i want to paint most - because it is the picture of how i want more and more to live my life.

being able to exercise my love for teaching

one of the things i've missed in moving to Amsterdam has been the opportunities for teaching that i'd built up over the years in Grand Rapids. not that i really miss grading Hebrew quizzes, but i do miss being able to tutor people in Hebrew, mentor college students, help international students with their english for term papers, lead small groups, and even get to teach my own class a couple of times. getting to teach in a few months (and now having the time and energy to start prepping for the classes) has helped take away some of this disappointment of not knowing how to use my love for teaching here. but besides language and cultural challenges, not being able to use my gift and love of teaching is probably one of the hardest things i find in living here - and it is probably the biggest question i have in how long i will stay here.

and yet this week, i've been given a lot of teaching moments. i got to share my research on postmodern Christianity with someone here who has to write a paper on the effect of postmodernity on Christianity. i got to share my knowledge and wonder of "new monasticism" with somebody for whom this seemed to be a great possibility for her desire to take time off from studying and do some service ministry. i got to wonder about the significance of temple prostitution in ancient near Eastern cultures and about what the LORD's banning this in Israel revealed about Him. i get to teach two class periods on the Confessions of Jeremiah - and i can do and teach whatever i want provided we look at the text!

as i've been reminded more in the last couple of days of the nuisance and pain that can be caused by the reality that my choices and way of living affects other's lives and vice versa, i am thankful for being reminded of the joy that using my gifts and being myself can be a blessing to others. what makes each teaching moment special is the feeling of how my joy and excitement over the topic (and getting to share it) gets combined with the excitement and interest and experiences and knowledge of the other person, so that we are both (all) enriched by the experience.

the joy of sunday mornings

on sunday mornings, i lay in bed a bit longer. but eventually i get out and shower and piddle around - read a bit, think a bit, pray a bit, and get ready for the day.

breakfast isn't until 8:45 - and i don't even have to go if i don't want to. but i do want to, because on sundays we have some kind of special cheese and eggs and bacon and juice and coffee and so on. and we sit around longer.

and after breakfast, i help out with the dishes. because i know i have the time - and some people have to hurry to get ready for church. and then most of the house goes off to church at 9:45 and i don't have church until 11, so i have the house to myself.

and so i take over the piano in the living room - and play as much as i want, as loud as i want, and sing if i want. and just generally delight in the fact that it is sunday morning and on sundays i have no "have to"s.

instead, on the best of sundays, the whole day is open. and i get to spend it with people i love - but i don't have to - so i can also sit in my room and read. and i get to go to church - and even if sometimes i don't always want to - i know that i get to - and that going to church is one way that i can be more able to meet God.

and on sunday mornings, it is easier to be peaceful and joyful and hopeful. and so i savor them as being a gift of God.