02 April 2011

not feeling entirely myself

In the last few months, I have been struggling emotionally. And it's been hard at times, especially as there are so many great things in my life:
- being a newlywed. Matthijs is great - caring and concerned. We laugh together lots, talk about lots of things together, and I know he loves me just for who I am. And I love him a lot.
- time to work on exegesis stuff and do fun projects, like translating and writing and stuff like that. And I can work on my dissertation stuff and not worry about making enough money to make ends meet.
- good friends and family who I know love me.

So how can I be unhappy?!?!?

The obvious answer is that my world has been turned upside down. On the life events stress test, I can tick quite a number off - and I moved in with someone whose also had some major stress life events (i.e., marrying me :)). Added to this was all the stress involved in planning a wedding and hosting family, plus the distance between me and the community in Amsterdam - one of the more foundational parts of my life - it is not surprising that I've been struggling with questions about who I am, what I want, whether I'm good enough for what I want to do, and so on.

As much as I know that my friends and family will support me as I go through this, I don't really know how to talk about it. Sorting through what's going on in my own life - and allowing God to bring order to chaos - while also trying to do work are challenge enough without also taking on the challenge of having to talk about what's been going on - and trying to explain how it's possible that I can be joyful and excited at times and other times apathetic or in need of a good cry. And I feel more fragile with all of the questions and changes in my life - I feel overly sensitive to the possibility that I'd be judged or rejected. And I'm afraid of having to listen to simplistic answers that don't take into account all the complicated things going on in my head and heart.

I'm still not all that interested in talking about things - it still feels like a wound that hasn't entirely healed. Yet, my writing about it here is a sign that I believe that God is bringing more order to the chaos going on in my head and heart - and that there is hope that by sharing this, good might be done. First, by giving words to things that people who care about me might have suspected but weren't sure how to ask - or what to say (you don't have to say anything). And second with the hope that others might be helped: I know I am not the only who has struggled in this way. And there is something healing and hopeful in sharing the struggle.

1 comment:

Katharine said...

I would love to meet you for coffee sometimes. Too bad "halfway" is way too many miles. You're doing good -- maybe even excellent -- things. Keep on, and know that I sigh with you in prayer.

Hahaha -- my wv is "nomobor". I think it means "not a (geographic) neighbor"!