returned from France

my friends and i have returned from France. i do not have words adequate to describe our experience but if you were here to ask me about it now, i wouldn't be able to stop myself from getting a silly huge smile on my face. and i would say that it had been good. good in the sense that southern France is lovely and i got to see what many people wish they could see (i saw mountains and churches and the Eiffel Tower on the way home). good in that i laughed a tremendous amount this past week. good in that my friends and i spontaneously sang in the Cathedral (Palace) of the Popes of Avignon. good in that i was with Dave, Crystle, and Judith pretty much constantly for 5 days straight - and i never had to worry whether they'd still love me after all that time together nor did i doubt that it would be a joy (even if i was unable to express or feel that before leaving). vacation wasn't perfect but by God's grace (most often shown through my friends and/or the delights in this world), i feel that my soul has been refreshed after a demanding winter.

and with this feeling of contentment and refreshment, i was able to receive the official response to the draft of my thesis (for my Th.M. at Calvin Seminary). it has not been accepted as it is now. i had had some warning of its inadequacy before i left for France, but as i do not have the time nor really the energy to make it better now, i was hoping that it nonetheless was still good enough to get some closure on my time as a student at Calvin Sem. but it's not good enough, and i won't be graduating from there this May. which is disappointing. it's a blow to my ego (but i'll get over it). more so, it feels a bit that what the sacrifices i made during lent to finish this weren't really worth it. which fills me with some sadness. thankfully, the sadness is off-set by the sense that i have learned quite a bit from this process of writing - and there is some closure in being done this stage of writing (and letting it go until i finish my VU Thesis). and there's some encouragement in that my profs back at Calvin believe that i am capable of more.

i do have to agree that i have not yet adequately expressed what i have learned - not only in my head but also in my heart - as i studied the prophetic task as shown through Jeremiah. the challenge, of course, is that i am still learning about how i myself can live out the task in its expression here in the community. and more so, i am still learning how to express the experiential part of my learning this year (how my heart has been shaped and my emotions are being drawn upon in serving God) to people primarily versed in the language of academics. as i feel that i still have so much to learn about just expressing who i am, it's hard to know how to express well the things that have so much shaped who i am. but i hope and pray that time and a lot of discussion with others will help with this.