On Thursday, as I stood in the Eindhoven airport gate area and all the busy-ness of getting myself to an unknown airport was ending, it finally hit me that i was going back to Ukraine. Back to the place that has been so much a part of shaping who I am. Back to visit people I love. The emotion of going back almost caused me to cry in the middle of the airport.
The closer i got to Budapest, the more I questioned whether too much had changed since last time i was there. I had changed. Things there had changed. Would it mean a lot of awkward conversations? Would i no longer feel like this was home? Would my old friends and students be disappointed in me? And i in them?
With these questions pressing upon me, i walked out of the gate. and Istvan met me. and my English was too fast (and not Indian enough – like the English he’s used to at work) and my Hungarian had too much Dutch mixed in. And so he didn’t understand sometimes – but was willing to nod and smile (and tell me that sometimes he did that even when he didn’t understand). And we laughed and we’d try again to understand each other. we were still laughing after a couple of hours. And there were no awkward silences.
i'm sure Istvan had no idea how much the first couple of hours of my being here mattered to me - nor would he have ever wanted the responsibility! within a couple of hours i started to believe that the changes weren't too much. Those who taught me what hospitality meant showed me again what it meant to make someone feel welcome. Istvan came to meet me. he didn't allow me to carry my bag. he had bought me tickets for the bus and the metro. he made me laugh. we talked about changing - and how going back some place that you haven't been for a long time makes it easier to see changes. and he took me out for supper, convinced that i looked hungry. i wasn't all that hungry so i asked him why he thought that. he answered because i'm thinner than i used to be - so i must be hungry. (and that comment especially made me smile - partly because every female likes to be told that she's thinner and partly because i knew Istvan wasn't saying it to flatter me but because he was generally concerned about my well-being.)
and being welcomed continued into supper. once Gyula could be dragged away from work he joined us. i had explained earlier to Istvan where i lived - and at supper, he explained it perfectly to Gyula (two people on my floor. two people above me. two people above them. two people beside - and a family here and another there - i had never thought of my house quite like that but it was exactly true). the laughter continued during supper and i was overwhelmed by the joy of being there. and Viki and Zoli came after the Nutcracker. and then they took me home to her dorm.
And Viki kept hugging me, as if to convince herself that i was really finally here. and she rearranged things in her busy life to make me feel welcome. as her sister, Csilla - and the whole family. and i feel welcomed and blessed. and am so glad to be here - and get to return to ordinary life here.
breakfasts (and most of the weekend) with Csilla and Viki and Zoli were filled with laughter and no awkward silences. i would say that it feels like there hasn`t been any distance between us - but it`s different than i remember. and maybe i remember poorly, but my memories aren`t as full of laughter and joy and comfortability as it feels like this trip has been. (it helps that Zoli reminds me of the other Brenda`s husband, Brian). i think it's because all of us have grown more comfortable with who we are - and even though i have been gone so long, it feels like we`re closer than we used to be. and i'm deeply thankful for that - it was beyond what i could have hoped for.
I have been tagging along with Csilla for a couple of days now - and what has surprised me most is how many ´normal´ things i get to participate in.
Viki and Csilla had visitors from the Netherlands this past weekend. i couldn´t help but remember how often that used to happen - and how delightful it was to have visitors from out of town. it, of course, was a lot more fun this time for me since i could understand at least a little bit of all the conversations.
and on Sunday i went to an advent concert/celebration. and as the performances went on for three hours (at least an hour of which was really, really good), i couldn't help but remember how sometimes it feels that things can't be good if they're not also very long.
and it has been good to be at the old school, although things have changed. much of it still looks the same as i remember - and much of the staff is the same (the cooks and guards and bookkeeper and some of the old teachers were all delighted to see me). but the director has changed - and so have a lot of teachers and so have all of the dorm parents. and i no longer know any of the students. and even if i am still welcome to take over a computer in the teacher`s room, and help out with an english class or drink coffee with it doesn`t quite feel the same. and there is a sadness in that. i did meet a couple of students with whom there were awkward silences. we had no longer had much in common. and there was something sad in that.
and the absence of the old director and teachers and dorm parents was because of the problems in the church here. and knowing their love for the students here - and their desire to help them, there is a deep sadness in that. even if i'm no longer sure how well we all helped prepare students for life outside of the school. for some of the former (and current) students are now 'trying to find themselves' - and find their place in the world - and aren't exactly sure where God fits in or even what is from God. and i hope to continue to talk to people about that in the few days i have left (and when i return in late January). please pray that i might have wisdom and be able to show God's love to the people here who still hold a special place in my heart.
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