gender consciousness (or that female thing again!)

i realize that i talk about being female a lot. i haven't exactly figured out why yet - but perhaps it is my desire to increase gender consciousness in others :) or maybe i just sit and think too much. and there's been a number of things in my life lately that have brought the female thing to my attention.

for much of my time at University and Seminary, i spent a lot of time being one of the few females amongst guys (i studied math and theology, so it's not really surprising). the trend has continued here - not only in my classes but also in the community. at school, it's the same as always: my gender is generally not considered to be relevant, which i've adapted to, even if i don't entirely agree. but at home in the community, i have to be me. i laugh and smile a lot. i know how to clean and do laundry properly (thanks to my mom's good teaching). i tease and joke with others. for my responsibility here, it was between being the person in charge of the kitchen or the one in charge of laundry (i chose the kitchen). people see me in my 'grubby clothes'. i miss old friends. i think about guys. i receive random compliments - and every so often i get hit on. and not all of that has to do with being female - but my being female is part of that. and i'm adjusting to the change - from having my gender be generally irrelevant to having it be an important part of who i am. as i adjust, I sometimes wish for the easier situation of my gender being ignored - even if i don't think it was as healthy or as much fun.

a story to illustrate:
last week, i played ping pong with five guys. we played 'around the world' - you stand in two lines on either side of the table, hit the ball, and then go to the back of the line on the other side. once you miss, you're out. since there were only six people, we ran a lot. and i was usually out second or third. when i made it to the final two, the guys started cheering me on (which they didn't really do for anyone else). and then when i finally won a game, they all cheered and/or clapped (i'm sure it was partly because i'm not much better at ping pong than i am at pool). yet it was weird and delightful at the same time. weird - because i'm not that fond of sticking out. and delightful - because it felt like i had all these guys in my life who were there looking out for me and wanting me to do well.

there are a couple of other areas in which gender issues have been on my consciousness.

i have been asked by my church publication if i would be willing to write an article related to women in office in response to the church's taking the word male out of the church order. i am being asked to write from the 'conservative' side (i.e. those who are against women in office). and i've been thinking and praying about it a lot. i have an odd voice - a female trained as a pastor who sides more with those against women being pastors than those for it. but i don't want the article to be about me - i want to be part of what God's doing to help our church (who has been fighting about this issue for years) become reconciled and be better at serving God using the gifts of everyone in the church. your prayers would be appreciated as i continue to work on it.

and the last huge gender issue has been related to Calvin Seminary. Ruth Tucker, who taught missiology there, left at the end of the summer under negative circumstances. she has published a blog detailing what happened to her at the Seminary. one of the things that she mentions is gender discrimination. people have taken serious issue with that claim, arguing that the new administration has made it a priority to be hospitable to females. and on top of that, a lot of females (myself included ) found the Seminary to be a good place for them. we were encouraged and affirmed.

and i have known about Ruth's story for awhile. i found out in February she was leaving - and even then little was said about why. and since then i have pondered. i have asked questions. i have read Living on the Boundaries: Evangelical Women, Feminism and the Theological Academy by Nicola Hoggard Creegan and Christine D. Pohl (although i don't agree with all the theological conclusions of the book, the authors had a lot of insight into the lack of evangelical women in the academy, as well as raising questions about gender consciousness). i have noticed the emotional toll this has taken on many, including and espcially Ruth. i have talked some. i have cried. and i have prayed and prayed and prayed.

and i have chosen thus far to say little in public about it. my life is still connected to the Seminary. and i don't want to take sides. i am not 'for' Ruth Tucker any more than I am 'for' the Seminary. i want God's best and healing for all involved. i know that there is more to the story than what has been written by Ruth and others. and blogs are not always the best ways to tell stories - for much can be mis-heard.

and i have been trying to reconcile how the Seminary could have been such a blessed place for me and yet Ruth could have received so much hurt from her time there. and i don't really have the answer. but i know that my being blessed by my time at Seminary does not thereby invalidate Ruth's words. just because a lot of females have been blessed there - and blessed even more in recent years - does not mean her story can or should be dismissed. there is too much to her experience that speaks of something having gone terribly wrong. And just because the current administration is very much in favour of women in office does not automatically mean that the Seminary can not have problems with gender consciousness or hospitality (e.g. a number of those against women in office did not really feel like they were allowed to admit to that position. and my being female sometimes made things awkward or else it was ignored. only every once in awhile did i feel like i got to bring that part of me to our discussions). Nor does the blessing of those attending there mean that all are blessed - or as blessed as much they can and should be. Nor is Ruth's story only about gender.

and unless i am willing to believe that there is much ungodliness in Ruth's life and/or that she is mentally unstable (as I have heard hinted at), i cannot dismiss what she has said. i know that one side of a story is never the whole story, but i have heard enough to know that good Christian people have both sinned and been hurt. and so i pray. pray and wait. hoping for reconciliation and honesty and healing.