12 February 2010

And... Take a deep breath.

I think I'm finally feeling like I'm no longer running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I'm still walking around in a bit of a daze, but it's getting better. It helps, of course, that I'm not the only one walking around looking overly tired (Last weekend the core group of the community went on retreat together, and although it was considered a positive experience by all, we all came home tired - and then still had to continue through the rest of a normal week (or even busier than normal, especially if you're an accountant since this is the time of the year when books are checked/controled.)).

I'd kind of sensed that my life was out of balance and I needed to stop and take a deep breath. The first clue, of course, was that I was getting too busy to think - I just did whatever was next on the needed-to-be-done-now list. The second clue was a realization that I was really getting focused on myself. There's a country song that's popped into my head a lot in the last while: Toby Keith's "I want to talk about me." It's a cute song about a guy complaining that his girlfriend was always talking about herself and occasionally he'd like to talk about himself (instead of her). It rang a bell with me: how often had my thoughts and my conversation become about me. And could I stop focusing on me all the time already?!?
It's starting to feel a bit more like I'm paying attention to the world outside of me, thankfully. I'm still adjusting (and patience is appreciated), but it's also a relief. I like myself and all but even I get sick of myself after too much time with me.

All in all, I'm looking forward to life returning to the "normal" of here. Normal meaning at the moment returning to my responsibilities in the community and returning to my research on Ezekiel (and a grant/job application to have that be funded!). But knowing my life - and the adventure of community - normal could mean something else next week. If I keep taking a few more deep breaths and open my eyes to the world outside of me, I could actually admit to looking forward to whatever surprise or adventure might come.

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