it began with me running for the bus this morning. i was awake more than early enough but getting organized and ready to leave took longer than i expected. thankfully, the bus driver responded to my mad dash and waving him down, and i made it to school in time to have more than enough time to do final preparations for class.
however, the run for the bus wasn't particularly great for my lunch. the bouncing didn't help the soya sauce get absorbed into my rice but instead caused it to spread itself over the contents of my backpack. so i have some distinctly brown marks over my books now. and a slight smell of chinese food over everything.
after getting to school, somebody asked me if i was nervous. i told them no, i was too busy being absent-minded and haphazard. so at least the haphazard morning helped with one thing :)
classes went fairly well. in the first class (OT narrative books), we simply went over the syllabus and expectations for the class. in the second class (Jeremiah), we went through the syllabus and then i introduced some of the issues in Jeremiah studies in recent years. i enjoyed being able to share what i have been studying - and it was a good feeling to know a lot about what i was talking about.
there was one moment today that especially sticks out. with all the classes, i shared about my life in Amsterdam and the community (and ministry) of which i am part. and after one class, one student asked if i had any advice of how to help people who have been drug addicts, since addicts are some of the people who come into our lives in Amsterdam. and i didn't have any great advice for him. i know that addicts, like most people with any kind of unhealthy habit, have learned how to justify their addiction in some way. and that often the addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem. and that in for the addict i had the most contact with, the person could be quite manipulative and two-faced. so what do we do? love them, try to see them honestly, help them to see more honestly, try to find the cause of the addiction, and love them. seeing as i didn't have any phenomenal advice for the student - just an ability to share an experience that i've had - i asked him how/what he was doing in the situation. and it was obvious that he was doing his best to help out this addict in his life - and that he cared for him very much. and i could see how much he appreciated the sense that i understood how difficult the situation could be. and his situation/experience is even more difficult than mine in the community - because we share the burden/care of people hurting amongst 50 people, who are all connected in some ways. the student who came to me has taken responsibility for caring for his addict friend. pray that he might have strength and wisdom and would come in contact with others to share his burden, even if it's only people like me who understand how hard it can be to love others who are hurting.
26 February 2008
25 February 2008
like a bird
in saying good-bye, daniël wrote me a card. in it, he wrote that i remind him of the birds that leave their homes and the place where they've been born in order to travel south. they travel half the world and back again. they follow the promise of warmth and light.
and in the midst of the challenges and anxiousness and strange pull involved in having two different homes on two different continents, being compared to a bird was a comfort. it makes my life and experiences feel a bit less crazy - and a bit less overwhelming and strange. for it is not so bad to be like a bird trying to follow the light. after all, doesn't Matthew 6 talk about how the heavenly Father takes care of the birds?
and in the midst of the challenges and anxiousness and strange pull involved in having two different homes on two different continents, being compared to a bird was a comfort. it makes my life and experiences feel a bit less crazy - and a bit less overwhelming and strange. for it is not so bad to be like a bird trying to follow the light. after all, doesn't Matthew 6 talk about how the heavenly Father takes care of the birds?
12 February 2008
some things are worth crying about
i cry a lot (although i usually do it away from people, so it's not something most people know about me). and i cry a lot more in Amsterdam than elsewhere. sometimes, it gets a bit excessive: for about 6 weeks this fall, i was crying almost every day. i'm sure some of it was related to having a somewhat imbalanced life, the sense of frustration and inadequacy i felt concerning the delay in completing my thesis, and the fact that i was recognizing and processing some changes in my life, but these things were not the only cause of my tears. i'm thankful that things have changed - and that i'm now only crying about once a week [crying so much is quite emotionally exhausting!]. and yet, even through the times when i cry more than i'd like, i've learned that there are some things that are worth crying about.
we live in a broken world - and a lot of things are not how they should be. and since i live in community, it's a bit harder to ignore the brokenness in others and myself since we are all affected by it - whether it be the brokenness of laziness, lack of grace, inability to listen, confusion, entitlement, despair, pride, or something else. and people come to the community because they recognize that they are broken and need help - but the process of growth is never easy for anyone involved in the process, especially when so many unhealthy patterns need to be overcome (and these patterns bump into others' lives). and since i live in the Red Light District, the broken picture of sex and the prevalence of drugs encroaches on our minds and hearts and space, even if we don't want it to. in my life, the brokenness of the world and the pain it causes is blatantly obvious - and for the pain it causes me and the pain i see in others, crying is a good response.
and in this crazy, broken world, a lot of times there is no great answer. or good solution. or even necessarily good choices. a lot of times, the choice/situation involves trying to assess what is best out of a lot of difficult questions. how do you create an atmosphere of grace but also teach responsibility? and even if every person and situation is unique, how do you create a structure that fits each person while also not being unfair to others who have been given less freedom or grace or attention? and how do you deal positively with the fact that sometimes it is unfair - and even when it is relatively fair, people will still perceive it as unfair? how do you push somebody to grow and accept new challenges while not pushing too hard that they resist and run away? how do you love someone else's child(ren) while not competing for the love they give to their parent(s) - a love that might be precarious enough as it is? how do you know how much to encourage, how much to challenge, how much to let people find their own way, and how much to provide answers and/or solutions?
and so i cry. because the moments of un-brokenness and grace are sometimes so hard to see, even if in reality there a lot of them. because it is easier to see the resentment and failure of people instead of the moments when they reach out to someone else. because it is easier to complain than to ask how to be part of making things healthier. because it is easier to accuse and wonder about unreliability than to ask what's wrong that this is so. because sometimes it's easier to stop trying to be there with others instead of struggling to find the right words to show love. because sometimes i can't help or do anything no matter how much i want to. and because sometimes i don't even have the energy to care or desire to participate and/or help.
and so even as much as crying sometimes makes me uncomfortable, there are some things that i ought to cry about. and i hope that never goes away. and as i cry i pray, and i bring my frustration and sadness and all of the impossible problems and situations to God. and slowly i can remember that God is working amidst the impossible. God is not stuck by my helplessness and limitations to do something, for which i am deeply thankful.
and yet, even as i remember that, i can not help but cry for those who do not have God to turn to in the midst of the brokenness of the world. and i cry, too, for us Christians who so often struggle in sharing our hope - even when we see the brokenness and pain in the world and people all around us.
we live in a broken world - and a lot of things are not how they should be. and since i live in community, it's a bit harder to ignore the brokenness in others and myself since we are all affected by it - whether it be the brokenness of laziness, lack of grace, inability to listen, confusion, entitlement, despair, pride, or something else. and people come to the community because they recognize that they are broken and need help - but the process of growth is never easy for anyone involved in the process, especially when so many unhealthy patterns need to be overcome (and these patterns bump into others' lives). and since i live in the Red Light District, the broken picture of sex and the prevalence of drugs encroaches on our minds and hearts and space, even if we don't want it to. in my life, the brokenness of the world and the pain it causes is blatantly obvious - and for the pain it causes me and the pain i see in others, crying is a good response.
and in this crazy, broken world, a lot of times there is no great answer. or good solution. or even necessarily good choices. a lot of times, the choice/situation involves trying to assess what is best out of a lot of difficult questions. how do you create an atmosphere of grace but also teach responsibility? and even if every person and situation is unique, how do you create a structure that fits each person while also not being unfair to others who have been given less freedom or grace or attention? and how do you deal positively with the fact that sometimes it is unfair - and even when it is relatively fair, people will still perceive it as unfair? how do you push somebody to grow and accept new challenges while not pushing too hard that they resist and run away? how do you love someone else's child(ren) while not competing for the love they give to their parent(s) - a love that might be precarious enough as it is? how do you know how much to encourage, how much to challenge, how much to let people find their own way, and how much to provide answers and/or solutions?
and so i cry. because the moments of un-brokenness and grace are sometimes so hard to see, even if in reality there a lot of them. because it is easier to see the resentment and failure of people instead of the moments when they reach out to someone else. because it is easier to complain than to ask how to be part of making things healthier. because it is easier to accuse and wonder about unreliability than to ask what's wrong that this is so. because sometimes it's easier to stop trying to be there with others instead of struggling to find the right words to show love. because sometimes i can't help or do anything no matter how much i want to. and because sometimes i don't even have the energy to care or desire to participate and/or help.
and so even as much as crying sometimes makes me uncomfortable, there are some things that i ought to cry about. and i hope that never goes away. and as i cry i pray, and i bring my frustration and sadness and all of the impossible problems and situations to God. and slowly i can remember that God is working amidst the impossible. God is not stuck by my helplessness and limitations to do something, for which i am deeply thankful.
and yet, even as i remember that, i can not help but cry for those who do not have God to turn to in the midst of the brokenness of the world. and i cry, too, for us Christians who so often struggle in sharing our hope - even when we see the brokenness and pain in the world and people all around us.
11 February 2008
entering lent
changing continents and holding temporary jobs have messed up a bit my sense of time (the school calendar, which i've always used to keep time, has had a little less impact on my life this year since i'm not teaching full-time nor taking classes). the church calendar has helped provide a more solid sense of time, but since lent is early this year, i feel a bit behind - and still not quite in the right time.
but i am slowly adjusting to it being lent. i haven't (yet) intentionally given anything up this year - instead, i am participating in the actions of the community. once again, we've become vegetarian as a community (although fish and eggs are considered acceptable). we've given up dessert - and have substituted it with a candy. and the evening meal is held in silence with music playing in the background. Sundays are "feast days" and so we eat meat, dessert, and talk the whole way through. But for the rest of the time, things are different - and we all participate (even the 2-year-old children know how to be silent).
i appreciate the quiet and the change. it makes conversation during other times a bit more special and more intentional. and it makes me appreciate certain food more. and i like that we all do it for it is easier then - and even a blessing in the solidarity. i'm not sure how i remember lent when i am away from the community - we will see how much i can remain a vegetarian (and whether i really am willing to give up ice cream if i have to choose for myself :)). but besides the desire to be somewhat in solidarity with the community here, i also want to use the time to remember the gifts i have - and that by giving them up for awhile, i realize again how much of a gift they really are. and also that i might see again a bit more clearly what really matters.
but i am slowly adjusting to it being lent. i haven't (yet) intentionally given anything up this year - instead, i am participating in the actions of the community. once again, we've become vegetarian as a community (although fish and eggs are considered acceptable). we've given up dessert - and have substituted it with a candy. and the evening meal is held in silence with music playing in the background. Sundays are "feast days" and so we eat meat, dessert, and talk the whole way through. But for the rest of the time, things are different - and we all participate (even the 2-year-old children know how to be silent).
i appreciate the quiet and the change. it makes conversation during other times a bit more special and more intentional. and it makes me appreciate certain food more. and i like that we all do it for it is easier then - and even a blessing in the solidarity. i'm not sure how i remember lent when i am away from the community - we will see how much i can remain a vegetarian (and whether i really am willing to give up ice cream if i have to choose for myself :)). but besides the desire to be somewhat in solidarity with the community here, i also want to use the time to remember the gifts i have - and that by giving them up for awhile, i realize again how much of a gift they really are. and also that i might see again a bit more clearly what really matters.
30 January 2008
returning home
it's starting to feel normal to be home again.
- the jetlag has mostly worn off (except for it taking a bit longer for me to fall asleep);
- the grading is almost finished; and thus i will be able to live more fully in this world (and also in dutch) instead of feeling half-stuck with my time and energy back in the class in America;
- i've started making plans and meetings with people;
- i've started doing some of my old chores (although it's been nice to take a bit of a break this week) - and agreed to do help with other chores;
- i've caught up with quite a number of people, although i still don't really know the new people that moved in while i was gone - so i'm hoping to spend quite a bit of time later this week just sitting around with coffee;
- i've had energy to think about how i'm going to make enough money to live on for the next year (or two or three) - and it's been kind of delightful to realize that i might have a couple of possibilities. having left and come back also makes me realize how much i want to continue to call Amsterdam home for awhile longer;
- i've joined in a number of chapel services (and this morning we stamped along whenever we heard the name Haman in Esther - i know it has to do with the Jewish feast of Purim, but i'm not entirely sure exactly why);
- the number of adventures has been pretty minimal (i can only think of one at the moment - picking up a couch off the street and carrying it home through the Red Light District). i'm not sure if that's because the odd adventures of life here are becoming so normal again that i'm forgetting them or because i've been hiding in my room so much that i've been missing out on one of my favourite parts of life here.... but i expect that'll change soon.
- the jetlag has mostly worn off (except for it taking a bit longer for me to fall asleep);
- the grading is almost finished; and thus i will be able to live more fully in this world (and also in dutch) instead of feeling half-stuck with my time and energy back in the class in America;
- i've started making plans and meetings with people;
- i've started doing some of my old chores (although it's been nice to take a bit of a break this week) - and agreed to do help with other chores;
- i've caught up with quite a number of people, although i still don't really know the new people that moved in while i was gone - so i'm hoping to spend quite a bit of time later this week just sitting around with coffee;
- i've had energy to think about how i'm going to make enough money to live on for the next year (or two or three) - and it's been kind of delightful to realize that i might have a couple of possibilities. having left and come back also makes me realize how much i want to continue to call Amsterdam home for awhile longer;
- i've joined in a number of chapel services (and this morning we stamped along whenever we heard the name Haman in Esther - i know it has to do with the Jewish feast of Purim, but i'm not entirely sure exactly why);
- the number of adventures has been pretty minimal (i can only think of one at the moment - picking up a couch off the street and carrying it home through the Red Light District). i'm not sure if that's because the odd adventures of life here are becoming so normal again that i'm forgetting them or because i've been hiding in my room so much that i've been missing out on one of my favourite parts of life here.... but i expect that'll change soon.
27 January 2008
the best teaching moments
before i go back to grading tomorrow, i wanted to remember some of my favourite teaching moments. it was really good to teach again - and to remember again the feeling that being in front of a classroom is where i belong. but i must also acknowledge that this time of teaching was tempered with a bit of disappointment. we talked about community, especially related to "new monasticism" and broken places, along with the Reformed faith - and although the students knew little to nothing about "new monasticism," the concepts of community and the Reformed faith (or just Christianity) are both things that they had heard so much about already that it was hard to get them excited about it. and i had not recognized enough ahead of time that some things are hard to get passionate about if you simply accept it as a good thing and/or do not experience them - and community is a bit like that. and i was not as prepared with stories, questions, and/or challenges to help them experience it more fully. the class lacked structure somewhat, as i did not want to stifle any of their thoughts and/or voices but it me awhile to realize that they did not exactly see this as a freedom to relate what they were learning to their own experiences and/or questions. i was a bit surprised by the class - and did not know how to adapt quick enough to their expectations and reactions. and i was behind enough in the grading to miss things that i could have caught earlier. things improved as i started seeing more things but it still felt a bit like things didn't quite all fit together - and perhaps i will do it again, but it will be structured differently (the emphasis will be less on community and more on reaching out to the broken places of the world, with intentional community being one way of reaching out).
but despite my disappointment that i did not structure the class in a way that was best for learning, there were still a lot of great moments:
- i chose to begin the class using the same Bible text that was read in chapel here in Oudezijds 100 and then pray according to the pattern here: first, to give thanks, and then to intercede for the world, the church and Israel, and for the communities of which we are part. it was good to be connected to one of the most important tasks of the community here - praying together.
- almost every day a certain student thanked me for the class at the end of each day, irrelevant of how good the class period was. and i appreciated his thankfulness for the effort i put into class, and i was daily reminded of the privilege i had in sharing what i knew with the class - and encouraging them with what they knew.
- i got to see something special about each of the students - and so they moved from being names and faces on a piece of paper to being complicated and unique, full of questions and challenges and opinions along with hopes and dreams.
- the book we read, Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution, challenged a lot of people, even those who found him hard to hear because his experience and opinions were so different from the ones they had known all their lives. Shane advocates being more reckless in living out our faith, which are words that many people (myself included) growing up where Christianity is ordinary (and somewhat safe) need to hear.
- some of my students asked if they could take me out for lunch - just so they could hear more about my life and experiences - and i was honoured by their appreciation of me and my experiences.
- while the students were discussing questions in their small groups, one group got so into what they were discussing that a couple of students in other groups asked if they could join them (it was about whether working in a casino could be considered an appropriate job for a Christian). as we talked about it later in class, it became a bit clearer how and why they could disagree on something that seemed so obvious to some of them. and it made my heart glad to know that some of them continued to discuss this outside of class time.
- throughout the class and at the end, quite a number of them remarked that they had learnt to see things a bit differently, that they had been challenged and/or glad to have taken the class. and as that was my hope for them and the class, it makes me thankful.
- i am looking forward to reading their final exam question about how what we talked about in class applies to a "broken place" connected to their own lives - i have heard already about their concerns for the nursing home system, adoption, education, or their own families. i am hoping that they are foolish enough and courageous enough to try to make things better (or as we talked about in class - redeem things by restoring shalom (i.e. restoring things to how they should be)), in whatever small ways they can, for a situation that is close to their heart.
but despite my disappointment that i did not structure the class in a way that was best for learning, there were still a lot of great moments:
- i chose to begin the class using the same Bible text that was read in chapel here in Oudezijds 100 and then pray according to the pattern here: first, to give thanks, and then to intercede for the world, the church and Israel, and for the communities of which we are part. it was good to be connected to one of the most important tasks of the community here - praying together.
- almost every day a certain student thanked me for the class at the end of each day, irrelevant of how good the class period was. and i appreciated his thankfulness for the effort i put into class, and i was daily reminded of the privilege i had in sharing what i knew with the class - and encouraging them with what they knew.
- i got to see something special about each of the students - and so they moved from being names and faces on a piece of paper to being complicated and unique, full of questions and challenges and opinions along with hopes and dreams.
- the book we read, Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution, challenged a lot of people, even those who found him hard to hear because his experience and opinions were so different from the ones they had known all their lives. Shane advocates being more reckless in living out our faith, which are words that many people (myself included) growing up where Christianity is ordinary (and somewhat safe) need to hear.
- some of my students asked if they could take me out for lunch - just so they could hear more about my life and experiences - and i was honoured by their appreciation of me and my experiences.
- while the students were discussing questions in their small groups, one group got so into what they were discussing that a couple of students in other groups asked if they could join them (it was about whether working in a casino could be considered an appropriate job for a Christian). as we talked about it later in class, it became a bit clearer how and why they could disagree on something that seemed so obvious to some of them. and it made my heart glad to know that some of them continued to discuss this outside of class time.
- throughout the class and at the end, quite a number of them remarked that they had learnt to see things a bit differently, that they had been challenged and/or glad to have taken the class. and as that was my hope for them and the class, it makes me thankful.
- i am looking forward to reading their final exam question about how what we talked about in class applies to a "broken place" connected to their own lives - i have heard already about their concerns for the nursing home system, adoption, education, or their own families. i am hoping that they are foolish enough and courageous enough to try to make things better (or as we talked about in class - redeem things by restoring shalom (i.e. restoring things to how they should be)), in whatever small ways they can, for a situation that is close to their heart.
16 January 2008
teaching again
so what's it been like teaching again? well, i don't remember it being so much work (especially all the grading!).... and i had forgotten how much energy is involved in standing in front of a classroom.
it has taken me some time to adjust to teaching again. first, i had to get over the nasty cold that clouded my head the first couple of days. and then there was time needed just to get settled. and last weekend i gave up all of my work so that i could go visit my family (which was lovely). and what has generally suffered is grading - which, much to my annoyance, i'm significantly behind on (of course, it does not help that i don't find grading the most enjoyable task :))
but besides the grading issue, i feel like with each day that i teach i become more aware again of my love for teaching. there is a kind of wonder and excitement involved in standing in front of a classroom encouraging people to share what they're thinking and learn more at the same time. and there's also wonder and excitement involved in trying to take all of what's going on in class - what the students are thinking and saying plus the stuff that they've been reading plus the extra information in my head - and put it all together to be something that students want to know more about and participate in. it's enjoyable to watch the changes that happen in the classroom - from the awkward-ness between all of us at the beginning to the freedom to ask more difficult questions and to see each of them become involved in sharing with their small group and (at least slightly) more comfortable sharing with the whole class. and when we spent some time talking about the messy topic of prostitution, there was a sense that they understood that prostitution wasn't quite as simple (or so easily dismissed as being evil/sinful) as they might have thought - and those involved in prostitution became less objects and more people. and today a couple of students expressed their appreciation of the class to me specifically, which always makes me feel honoured.
and i am honoured that i have been given the privilege of being able to share who i am with them and what i know with them. and i have hope that they have been learning more, even as i struggle to help them understand better what we're talking about. and i hope that in the class periods we have left that the students not only learn more information but are willing and able to be inspired to think about ways they can reach out to the broken places and be more fully the person who God has created them to be and is shaping them to be.
but in order for those hopes to become more reality, i need to get back to grading...
it has taken me some time to adjust to teaching again. first, i had to get over the nasty cold that clouded my head the first couple of days. and then there was time needed just to get settled. and last weekend i gave up all of my work so that i could go visit my family (which was lovely). and what has generally suffered is grading - which, much to my annoyance, i'm significantly behind on (of course, it does not help that i don't find grading the most enjoyable task :))
but besides the grading issue, i feel like with each day that i teach i become more aware again of my love for teaching. there is a kind of wonder and excitement involved in standing in front of a classroom encouraging people to share what they're thinking and learn more at the same time. and there's also wonder and excitement involved in trying to take all of what's going on in class - what the students are thinking and saying plus the stuff that they've been reading plus the extra information in my head - and put it all together to be something that students want to know more about and participate in. it's enjoyable to watch the changes that happen in the classroom - from the awkward-ness between all of us at the beginning to the freedom to ask more difficult questions and to see each of them become involved in sharing with their small group and (at least slightly) more comfortable sharing with the whole class. and when we spent some time talking about the messy topic of prostitution, there was a sense that they understood that prostitution wasn't quite as simple (or so easily dismissed as being evil/sinful) as they might have thought - and those involved in prostitution became less objects and more people. and today a couple of students expressed their appreciation of the class to me specifically, which always makes me feel honoured.
and i am honoured that i have been given the privilege of being able to share who i am with them and what i know with them. and i have hope that they have been learning more, even as i struggle to help them understand better what we're talking about. and i hope that in the class periods we have left that the students not only learn more information but are willing and able to be inspired to think about ways they can reach out to the broken places and be more fully the person who God has created them to be and is shaping them to be.
but in order for those hopes to become more reality, i need to get back to grading...
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