external vs internal motivation

as i've mentioned more often, i like feeling productive. because of that, my internal motivation to do things is pretty high. the problem is that i get distracted - a lot (living in community helps provide lots of productive distractions, too). i'm almost always doing something - it's just not necessarily the best thing to do. (like blogging on a friday afternoon - but then i question what really is best: is my taking a break to blog and sort through my thoughts before working further on Ezekiel just an excuse not to work or is it a good way to re-group so that i can work better? i don't know.)

and much of the time, i'm not unhappy with how i get things done or not done. it usually works out okay - my house is cleaner when other things need doing - and my academic stuff gets more attention when i'm tired of people, and so on. but there is one area that i'm not so thrilled about - the dissertation/phd thing. it's starting to get to be time to be further on my dissertation. my desire to be moving closer to done is a relatively decent internal motivation. but with all the potential distractions i can find, some external motivation doesn't hurt.

so i figured i'd sign up to present my proposal next friday at the phd. seminar. there's nothing quite like a good solid deadline, a need for a paper presetnation, and a lot of questioning ph.d. students to provide external motivation to put something solid together. and hopefully this can tweak the work i've been doing on the first two chapters, which is pretty rough still.

and after the seminar, you can ask me how it's going with the dissertation. i might look annoyed with you (especially if i've been disappointed with how much i've done on it) but it will provide me further motivation. and if i look too annoyed, you can always remind me that i did ask for it.

Miriam, the older sister

last sunday, as part of the "start sunday" at church, we listened to brief monologues based on biblical characters connected to "the Promised Land." one of those who spoke was Miriam, who complained a lot. i know the stories about Miriam from the Bible, but I don't think I'd ever quite seen what it might have been like to be the older sister of Moses.

Miriam, as the big sister, helped Moses become who he was. she played a part in the princess finding him and having him being semi-raised by his own mom. she was probably well aware of Moses' rash behaviour in killing an Egyptian and was most likely exasperated that he'd lost the opportunity to work within the royalty to make changes that would be beneficial to the Israelites (being older and a woman, she probably could have found a much less violent and rash solution to the problem:)). and seeing as foreigners hadn't exactly been gracious to the Israelites, she probably wasn't too thrilled with his wife, either. and then there's Moses' speaking problem and his crazy idea of being called by God and the grumbling of the Israelites and... if you think about it that way, it's a bit easier to see how Miriam might have often been exasperated by Moses - and that she, as the big sister who watched over him when he was little, might have complained somewhat at his incompetency and might have even wanted to step in and fix things when her brother was fumbling about.

it is interesting to picture the big sister and wonder. it makes me see Miriam as more of a real person, and in doing that the Bible seems more real - and more relevant to my life. and as i see Miriam more as the big sister, it makes me wonder about how good i am at allowing others to make their own mistakes and use their own gifts. and it helps remember that, now matter how much i might want to, i can't play the big sister and try and step in and rescue others. and more so, as much as i might think of myself, i'm hardly the best at many things. and as i picture the big sister and am reminded not to think too much of myself, i'm also reminded not to think too little of myself (or others). Moses was certainly centre stage - but Miriam, as the big sister, did play a pretty significant part in the Israelites leaving Egypt. as Micah 4:6 puts it: the LORD sent Moses, Aaron, and Miriam before the people. and there's something comforting in being able to see again how God uses imperfect people as part of his plan/work.

with thanks to the Oude Kerk and the organizers of the 'startzondag' programme for having me think about these things.

adventures with Kristin (again)

since Kristin came to visit (again!), i once again had someone with whom to share in some random adventures (as well as having an excuse to do so). even though it was a bit rainy during her visit, we had a lot of fun exploring different places and laughing together a lot. the following are some of our adventures, with some pictures:

- the uitmarkt: the opening of the Amsterdam cultural season, which offers a ton of free music and events all close to my house. some things, like the large orchestra performance, we enjoyed tremendously. others, like the strange electronics + accordion show, were less enjoyable. and as delightful as it was to see Mary Poppins fly through the sky, the rehearsal did get a bit long after awhile - one can only hear the supercalafragilistic song so many times....

- taking the 'fast flying ferry' to Velsen-Zuid and then biking to the sea. since it poured while we were at the sea, the best part there was our break for coffee and apple pie. on the way back, we biked back through the (Zuid) Kennemerduinen, which is a lovely bike ride. Kristin and i also worked on our skills at taking pictures while biking - not so many turned out well but we did laugh a lot while trying.

- biking along the Amstel towards Ouderkerk. due to the weather, this was not quite as good as hoped (although i finally did get to explore one of the little walking areas along the route). on the bright side, we did get home in time to eat the best fries in the neighbourhood. and Kristin fell in love with dutch (indonesian?) saté sauce.

- Leiden, Den Haag and Scheveningen. first, we stopped in Leiden to visit a windmill museum. next stop was Den Haag, where we biked around quite a bit, saw a couple of the more famous buildings, and visited the military base. it was a crazy windy day, and on the way to Scheveningen, we managed to get blown off our bikes. what made it funnier was that Kristin managed to fall off only seconds after i did. i had slowed down and felt the wind pushing me towards the road. but as my bike was too tall for me, i couldn't really stop without falling. yet, as i swerved closer and closer to the road, i figured i might as well just abandon ship. although my shoe ended up a metre away, i did land on my feet. when i had recovered, i saw Kristin also standing over a fallen bike - apparently the wind had caught her, too. i can only imagine what a funny sight we must have been! i know it made us laugh for a long time. after that, we stopped biking for a bit - and decided to let the wind push us around on the pier at Scheveningen instead.

overall, it was a delightful visit - full of many good conversations, a few random adventures, and lots of laughter!


more pictures can be seen at my profile on Facebook.
with thanks to Kristin who took most of the pictures above.

just another dish-washing conversation

sometimes i have the oddest conversations during dishes. i end up laughing a lot - although i laugh a lot anyways, so perhaps it has more to do with me than dishes, but anyways...

tonight i got asked if i was planning on staying in the community. "well," i said, "at the end of october i'll become a zuster (sister) so...."
and her response was shocked: "what? become a zuster without a broeder (brother)?"
and i told her that it was possible, and i don't even have to become a nun (which is good because i'd be a very unpleasant nun).
she sort of believed me, i think....

i guess i could have also mentioned that i wouldn't be adverse to finding a guy - and my soon becoming a zuster hardly means that i'm doomed to be single the rest of my life. it does make dating slightly more complicated - if it were to develop into anything significant, he'd have to be okay with joining this crazy family i live with and everything it entails. but that's not completely impossible - it's just complicated. and i'm sort of used to complicated and odd, so i'm not currently too worried about there being no broeder to go with my zuster.

meet jerry, the new man in my life.

he's playful. he likes computers. he cleans up after himself. he sleeps without moving too much. he has a cute bum. he doesn't talk too much. and he's generally happy to see me when i come home. what more could a woman want?

the following are some pictures:





i've had him for a little more than a week now - and we're pretty happy with each other. well, sometimes he drives me crazy with his squeaking for attention and climbing over everything (and his clawing things/people) - and sometimes he's convinced i don't give him enough attention - but otherwise we get along pretty well. and he's getting better with guests, even the 3-year-old kind.

and as for his name, he's not named after Jerry from the tv show Tom and Jerry, but he's named after the prophet Jeremiah (as a sort of compensation for my anticipated neglect of Jeremiah in the coming year or so..). and it's also a wordplay on the hungarian word for come here, which is gyere. so i usually call him gyeri (djai- ree).

skipping in the red light district

the other night we had a going away party for two couples who'd been part of the community for a number of years. they'd all done a lot for the community and each had added their own flavour to the community - and they will be missed. yet at the same time we are happy for them - happy for their new houses, which include a garden and a place for children to roam around more freely, and excited about the new opportunities each will have to do ministry in other ways and in a new place. so we shared good food and good conversation - and since the couples leaving were both rather athletic and enjoyed a good challenge, some random activity was also in order.

after checking that it wasn't too busy on the street, br Luc pulled out the heavy-duty rope that is used for hoisting furniture and such through the windows when moving. and after asking for a few strong men to turn the rope, we all moved outside. and once we'd claimed enough of the road for ourselves, different people took turns skipping. and it became one of those moments to record and remember. there are pictures somewhere, which hopefully i'll post.

it was good to say good-bye well - and it was fun also to have the tourists bump into something they'd never expect in this area of town.

on being puzzled... mostly on account of strange men.

since moving to the Red Light District, i've had some odd conversations with men on the streets, where my intention is to be gracious and polite while also making it clear that i'm not interested in starting anything with someone who hits on me on the street. see a blog entry from last summer for previous thoughts on this.

and it happened again that i got hit on - the other night walking home some strange man asked me if he could buy me a drink while he was waiting for friends. i politely said, no, i wasn't interested - i curtly answered a couple of other questions but then i walked further and unlocked my door to go home. as i was walking in, he told me that i could bring him to church - i think i told him that he could do that himself - if i'd been a little less tired or less annoyed with his inability to catch on to my complete lack of interest in him, i'd have told him that he'd be much more attractive if he was actually capable of going to church on his own. or maybe i'd have waved to our chapel and suggested he visit it sometime. the last thing i heard as i closed the door was that he'd stand outside my door waiting for me six days a week. i must say that suggesting you want to stalk someone isn't exactly what i'd call the most effective come-on line. that i didn't at all believe what he said makes the line also less effective - but this also means that i didn't worry about bumping into him again (now several days later i still haven't seen him again).*

i am puzzled about how someone can think that approaching some stranger on the street with all these odd come-on lines would result in the establishing of any kind of relationship or positive contact. but what puzzles me even more is that i now have these sort of random conversations outside of the Red Light District. what is wrong with the world?!?

for example,
- in Paris while i was out walking some older man was convinced that i wanted to have a cup of coffee with him - despite the fact that i didn't understand him and i don't speak french. i eventually turned around and walked the other way.
- while biking over a bridge north of Amsterdam some random guy biked on my side of the bike line - and asked something along the lines of whether i wanted to start something with him right then right there... i said no, looked at him increduously, and biked around him.
- and in Grand Rapids, some random male walked up to me and a couple of friends and asked if we wanted to know what made a guy happy (or what a guy was thinking). i clearly said no. he told us anyways - fortunately it wasn't at all dirty (like i had expected) but his continued monologue to us while we waited for the light to turn was definitely irritating. we finally ended up jaywalking.

i think i'd be cynical about males in general if it weren't for the fact that i do actually get to have normal conversations with well-adjusted males on a fairly regular basis. (mostly thanks to the community:))


* for the benefit of my mother and all others who might be worried about my personal safety, i just want you to know that i always stay in areas where there are lots of people, i never invite strangers into my own house (the drop-in centre of the community doesn't count), and the only creepy times to walk alone in my neighbourhood are generally between 5.30 and 7.00 in the morning (and then i'm home, usually still in bed). and as much as i choose to be polite while talking to random strangers, i do it only so far as the strangers are willing to respect me: they need to be willing to listen to what i say and they must stay out of my personal space. and i will slam doors in people's faces – i've done it before.