Last week Friday I managed to get my email inbox down to 13 emails, which seems like a success. It's been months since my inbox has been so low, what with the chaos of starting a new job, moving, and the general challenges of life during a pandemic. Getting my inbox down to a manageable level gives me the sense of control over my life. Yet, the control was a bit of an illusion, as I'd been using my inbox as a good excuse to not work on writing my sermon.
When I was in college, my house was always cleanest around exam time. By doing something else good, I could make myself feel better about not doing what I actually should be doing. One would hope, twenty years later, that I should be beyond that. In reality, I've simply shifted around what needs doing and the 'good' thing that I can do to avoid that.
I feel like learning to come to terms with ourselves - all of our quirks and needs, talents and skills - is something that we continue to struggle with, even as we grow older and hopefully wiser. This past week this struggle came out when faced with the daunting task of wrestling with a text and wondering what the Spirit would have me say. Is working through my email a good thing, something I can do to get an illusion of control, a sense of accomplishment, or even some tiredness so that I no longer fight to avoid doing what I really ought to be doing? Yes. no. maybe. It all depends on the day.
As I get older, I can recognize that I can either choose to be frequently frustrated with who I am and how I act, or I can choose God's grace.
Grace to accept who I am and my difficulties to stay on task.
Grace to accept how much I like being in control and feeling productive (and that this is ultimately an illusion).
Grace to see what I do as sin and name it as such - so that I can stop trying to fix myself on my own but accept my need for the Spirit to show up and work in and despite me.
As I learn to accept myself and accept grace in the middle of that, it also allows me to rejoice more easily in the good that comes out of who I am, including my tendency to procrastination. Like being thankful for getting through emails I was behind on (and thanks, too, that the sermon did get done). And I can be delighted by how the Spirit shows up in surprising ways, like how I read last week's reflection from First CRC when I was trying to figure out how I was going to be present at our ministry's silent retreat while also being present for my small daughter. The email showed me a way that I could be creative and delight in both the nature surrounding my new house and in my daughter's joy in doing an art project with me. The results, including the joyful daughter, are in the picture below.
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