08 November 2011

Indifference as being a good thing?

I'm feeling a bit indifferent about my having become a tochtgenoot. In principle, I am glad and thankful about the step that I've made. And I'm especially glad about Matthijs joining me on this journey. And as I wonder about what might happen this coming year, I do get excited about the possibilities.

But how do I feel? not much, actually. Indifferent, to be honest. 

I'm slightly embarrassed by my indifference. It doesn't seem to be the feeling that is expected of me. But if I pause and wonder about it, it is also a feeling that fits me. I noticed that my first time of becoming a tochtgenoot never got mentioned on this blog - it was mentioned when I renewed my promise (and before that only in passing a couple of times). I don't remember how I felt about the situation then, but its lack of being mentioned on the blog (when I was writing so much at that time about life in community) seems to suggest that I either considered it such a natural step that it wasn't worth mentioning or that I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. 

When I think about my being indifferent in the past to things, I am reminded of how I felt in the beginning of my relationship with Matthijs. I described my feelings as: "So i don't react to the whole situation like a giggly teenager who blushes when you ask her about the boy she likes. In fact, for the longest time, if you asked me about it, I would have smiled but also would have appeared less enthusiastic and more confused by it all (probably because I was puzzled - and still am a bit)." 

Seeing how well my relationship with Matthijs has turned out, I am choosing not to worry about my current feelings. I've discovered in the past that indifference can be a healthy way of exploring expectations alongside of sorting out the desires of my heart. 

1 comment:

Crystle Numan said...

I remember your indifference with Matthijs :). I am glad too how that worked out. So, I'd concur. Worry not about about your feelings. Just keep checking in with them and wondering.