11 May 2010

Still a bit of disorder

Although I recently wrote a note saying that my life was returning to normal, there are a couple of signs that my life still has quite a bit of disorder in it.

A part of that disorder and irregularity is normal - it's an obvious consequence of trying to make ends meet without having a job - it means I take on a number of random short-time things when the possibilities present themselves and when the need for money is more higher. Life in a community is also full of random activities that occur frequently enough to be normal but not enough to be 'regular' for me - and some of which are demanding and/or unexpected. And then add a boyfriend to it, who I like more than enough to see frequently but who also needs to be scheduled in amidst all the above randomness [fortunately his life is slightly less disordered normally].

And then there have been a couple of bigger irregular things in my life - the 5 extra days in Turkey - and a last-minute visit from a friend. Both things were good, but both drew me away from the already limited order I have in my life.

And so I see that certain things that are normal in my life, like writing for this blog and working on my dissertation and/or my unfinished thesis have been pushed a bit to the wayside. And I miss them.

And so when somebody asked if I was looking forward to the retreat with the community this weekend, the obvious answer to me was 'no.' It is one more thing, like my being present more within the community this past week while others took vacation, that draws me away from what limited order I am trying to struggling to find in my life. I think tomorrow after spending some time with the community, I will be thankful to be there - but for today, I am still longing for a certain amount of order, as well as the wisdom (humour?) to see order in the midst of the disorder.

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