tomorrow i do the final proofread of the final draft of my thesis for the research master at the Vrije Universiteit. my supervising professor and another professor will respond to it with suggestions for further improvement (they have commented on the first 80 pages already) and/or things to address in the dissertation, then i make (hopefully minimal) corrections, and i am finished my second master's degree. and more importantly, i become officially a ph.d. student with all but my dissertation finished (actually it'll be with a couple of chunks of my dissertation done, since my thesis is a starting point for my ph.d!). the whole process will hopefully be finished by the end of november. finally. it has been all but finished for too long.
and there have been several valid reasons for it taking so long. i chose to take on more work in the community for the month of september because there was a need that i could fill, and for a number of reasons this extra work continued into october. i had a rather large computer problem (the solution being a complete overhaul). i have been spending extra time thinking and processing. i stopped to research and ponder biblical methodology for awhile. i live in community and that takes time and energy, even without the extra work. my parents came to visit and i wanted to spend significant time with them. and so on...
thus, my expectation for how long it would take and the actually reality were significantly different. and that caused some stress in my life. not because i've missed the deadline (i just need to be finished by 3 january to get a certain pay level and by 20 february to be qualified for a position - and as it's ironically financially better for me not to be finished, dragging out the deadline is not a bad thing). but i couldn't help but be disappointed at how little i was able to accomplish academically. and how it felt that this thesis kept hanging over my head, like i didn't really have the space to do everything i really wanted because i really should be finishing my thesis. sure, i don't expect to do what i want all the time, but it also felt like i didn't have the space to be available to others as much as i wanted to, the time to spend more on dutch, more on the fairly delightful task of prepping classes, more on growing in academic knowledge, and so on. in other words, it felt like my life was out of balance.
and even if i can explain my delay in finishing the thesis by the valid reasons given above, part of me wonders what it is about me that tends to make it so that i often have something hanging over my head. or struggle with a desire to be busy and tend towards being overly responsible. and that this has a tendency towards slowly pushing my life out of balance.
but i will keep trying (and praying and asking for help) to restore the balance. to help with that, i was given time off from some of my house chores and am passing on some of the chores (and this is what has given me time to finish my thesis). i'll be asked in a week if i've done the lovely things that i know bring me joy (like biking to the university a couple of times a week, eating at friends' houses, and having a couple of fun dates). and i will spend some extra time processing again - and wonder and pray about how to balance proper amounts of productivity in academic stuff with a desire to make space for and be available to the people in my life.
and maybe tomorrow, my life will be balanced. i have some work to do (academic and for the community). a bike ride planned. some emails to respond to. a date that i'm looking forward to. and somewhere in the midst of all of that, i hope for time to ponder and pray, good conversations, some unexpected things for which i now have space and energy to meet, and most of all, the wonder of meeting God.
No comments:
Post a Comment