learning to be okay with being incompetent

i'm generally good at most things i do. i'll admit that i tend to shy away from things i'm bad at (i.e. bowling and baseball), so i haven't spent that much time being incompetent. lately, however things have changed.

i had forgotten how dumb it feels not to understand what people are saying around you. to not how the system works. to not know the patterns of life. to know what the expectations are.

most of the people who surround me are people i met less than 2 weeks ago. with a few there was email contact, but with most it's been a surprise. and when i think about them, i am thankful. people have been as good as i had hoped. and in many cases, even better than i had dared to hope. they are very willing to translate for me, to help me learn dutch (i currently have some strange song in my head about forward and after, and left and right), to answer my questions, to show me what to do, to listen to my concerns, and to try to help me use my gifts and to be able to study.

but it is hard to ask for help a lot. and i'm not even entirely sure why - because i know people are helpful - and i even hear their encouragement of it. i just get tired of doing it all the time. and feeling dumb for asking about things that i feel should be obvious - like how do you make coffee here, or where do i get a bike, and so on.

and it is hard to feel so incompetent. no matter how much i ask, no matter how much i watch, i will never learn as quick as I want to (whether it be about life here or with Dutch).
and it is strange to go from being the one that people would ask lots of different questions to being the person who is likely not to know the answer. or even be able to understand the question.

as much as i realize that this is leaning toward being whine-y, i am saying this because i know that this is good for me. i just wish it was easier on my ego. or that it didn't take so much energy. my constant prayer seems to be, "i have so much to learn, God. help me to see and listen."

and already He has answered. even if i don't understand all that is going on around me, i have been able to see different people's gifts - from the gift of storytelling, to singing, to a gentle spirit, to a gracious heart, to a willingness to help out with tasks, to making space for people who are new and different.

and i do not think that i would have seen all that (i would have been too busy being in the know to notice) if i were not so incompetent right now. and for that i am thankful even as i struggle to live with it.