Several years ago, I came to the realization that I was likely on the (autistic) spectrum. People can have odd ideas about what it means to be on the spectrum, and I think it's important to challenge those assumptions when possible. So I've tried to be open about my experience, which is why I wrote about it in the Christian Courier awhile ago.
The following is the article:
"Neurodiversity has been a part of my story for a while, even as it has taken me a long time to recognize that and see the goodness in it. It wasn’t until someone started talking about the connection between autism spectrum disorder and the inability to escape fight or flight mode that I recognized a parallel with my own tendency to “check out” when I’m overwhelmed. A couple of online diagnostic tests and a lot of reading later, I came to understand that my “checking out” was likely connected to how neurodiversity can affect executive functions, which are basically the overarching skills that allow for time management, completing projects, social interactions, processing emotions and stimuli, and more.
I describe myself as being neurodiverse, or being on the spectrum, as I think it helps people to understand me and to be introduced to one more picture of neurodiversity. At the same time, I don’t ever want my neurodiversity to be an excuse for behaviour that hurts others. But seeing myself as being on the spectrum has helped me to understand how and why I’ve struggled with some things, like making friends in high school, taking so long to finish my dissertation and even my dislike of indirectness and/or Christian niceness.
What makes me see this diagnosis as being a gift from God is that it’s helped take away some of my shame of not fitting in or being as successful at things as I think I should be. It’s helped me understand and have compassion for my struggles, like anxiety, sloth or gluttony, recognizing that these struggles are not simply a lack of faith or willpower: these struggles might also be related to some sensory things and overwhelm connected to neurodiversity. Furthermore, the growing understanding of neurodiversity, both in myself and among society today, is helping me understand what tools, expectations and accommodations might be helpful as I try to live my life in a way that loves God and others.
Last of all, I have learned to see how God can use my growing understanding of neurodiversity as a gift to others. My dissertation is based on noticing patterns in the syntax of the text of Ezekiel: how the multiple unfounded conclusions, pronouns without clear references, and the visions might contribute to the complex message of repentance and hope proclaimed to a people burdened by decades of sin and entering exile. I hadn’t realized that my ability to notice certain patterns is an autistic trait.
In my pastoral work, I’ve often been able to connect with those who are seen as odd or awkward. My directness and honesty can be refreshing to others, like the grad students who appreciate my asking five minutes into the conversation whether we’ve done enough small talk.
My hope is that I’m able to create space for others to be honest and even vulnerable. I recognize that I’m not as concerned about making others uncomfortable as a neurotypical person might be. I bring up things others might have avoided as potential sources of conflict. This has led to awkward moments, but as anyone who is neurodiverse might tell you, awkward is simply a normal part of our lives, and we’re more than willing to share that experience with you."
