in the morning of 10 may i left amsterdam and after a long day met my parents at the airport. much to my delight, i spent Mother's Day with my whole family (but most importantly my two nieces).
and after a fairly restful week, it's time to return to productivity. i opened my dutch books on monday - and hope to get at least an hour of dutch in every day (which has been pretty successful). i pulled out the books for my thesis but have done only limited glancing at them. and the german book is still a couple of days away from being opened again (i think the hope is that the weight of lugging it around will prompt me to open it - which is a somewhat problematic incentive since it's a fairly light book and i don't carry my books around that often).
but the productivity has been partially stalled by my need to process. I have to find new patterns and new means for doing the ordinary parts of my life. whether it be checking my e-mail, working on my thesis, travelling, finding time to be alone, getting enough exercise, and keeping in touch with others. it's been made more difficult by my continued need to process leaving the community (even for a few months) and returning to spend time with people i care about for whom i'm slightly nervous about their reactions to what i've learned and how i've grown this past year.
I’m still me, but I feel like this year has helped me discover more and more who that is. i realize that i've been a bit nervous that people would really still like me now that they see more of me. and whether i would be greeted as a well-loved old friend or as a someone you sound happy to see but have nothing really to say to. but i've been generally greeted as an old friend and the conversations feel like they could continue for a few more hours. and i'm invited again and again to share me with others.
and as i share who i am, i wish i could share the community with everyone here. i talk about it as much as i can. when someone asked me today what my favourite part of Amsterdam was, i was quick to say it was the Christian community in which i lived. but even as i talk about it, i realize i wish i was there (sharing in the Pelgrimage this weekend). even as much as i'm not missing the exhaustion coming from trying to function in a foreign language and having people invade my space (and as much as i love being here in North America), i miss parts of life there. i wish i could talk over how things here are with my mentor, to puzzle through academics and politics and normal life issues with people, to join in prayer together (and end with the Lord's prayer in Dutch), and to get to have the opportunity constantly to share meals and/or coffee with one another. most of all, i wish that i could bring the community to some of the people here that i see struggling - that they could come and live with us and have a second chance.
but even as i wish that, i am deeply thankful for the bit that i do get to share about what i learned this past year. mostly from the community (and also from academics, although i do talk about that less - it seems a bit dull and more obvious to me - i mean who's really interested in the fact that i've learned a tremendous amount more about methodology this past year - and that this will be exceptionally helpful for my dissertation?)
and even as i've been nervous about leaving and returning, i've received a lot of affirmation lately. whether it be talking about what's next and knowing that there are people around me who are trying to help open up doors for me to teach. to see from by my parents at the airport that they really missed me. to be greeted and questioned by so many people at my church. to be welcomed back by people at the Seminary - and to have good conversation upon good conversation. and to be told that i have been missed. and for all of that, i am deeply thankful - and see it as an encouragement to continue working hard to serve God and get back to productivity :)
